Un August in flacari
Aflat la mare cu familia, domnul Tiberiu Dosoftei a mincat o ciorba de guvizi, o tochitura dobrogeana, o chifla si doi ardei iuti, apoi a baut trei beri. Dupa aia, si-a adus aminte ca se apropie 23 August, deci a mai baut patru beri. Cind tocmai termina a patra bere, s-a intilnit cu un coleg de serviciu, Axinte Tripla, aflat si el la mare, cu familia. Bucuria revederii a fost mare, asadar amindoi au mai baut cite trei beri in cinstea ei. La un moment dat, domnul Tiberiu Dosoftei i-a zis colegului sau, Axinte Tripla: “Ma, Tripla, da’ vine 23 August, tu nu dai nimic?”. Domnul Axinte Tripla a mai dat si el patru halbe. Tiberiu Dosoftei a cumparat niste vodca de la o terasa foarte primitoare si cocheta, aflata pe plaja. Cu aceasta ocazie, Axinte Tripla a zarit acolo, pe raft, un vin din regiunea sa natala, asadar s-a induiosat si a cumparat la rindul sau citeva sticle. Ceva mai tirziu, domnul Dosoftei a mai baut trei beri. Domnul Tripla a baut patru. La lasarea serii, cei doi s-au urcat intr-o hidrobicicleta nesupravegheata si au iesit in larg. La ora aceasta, inca nu se stie unde au ajuns ei.
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Abandonate pe plaja, sotiile celor doi, doamnele Eugenia Dosoftei si Marcela Tripla, au rasfoit citeva reviste de moda si informatii din viata vedetelor, au mincat fiecare cite un stiulete de porumb fiert, citeva seminte, s-au uns reciproc pe spate cu alifie, apoi au inceput sa se plictiseasca. Dupa doua ore, ele au luat cite un suc si o piatra de calciie de la un vinzator ambulant. Dupa inca un ceas, Marcela Tripla a cumparat si un ziar. Citindu-l, ea a exclamat: “Uite, tu, o poza cu tipa aia!”. Din acest motiv, Eugenia Dosoftei a facut cinste cu un lichior mic, de vanilie. Amindoua s-au imbatat nitel.
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Abandonati pe plaja, copiii celor doi, Georgel si Costelus Dosoftei, impreuna cu Romulus si Remus Tripla, au facut un castel de nisip. Dupa aia, au mai facut unul. Fratii Tripla au sapat o groapa cu lopatica, aruncind nisip pe cearsaful unui turist italian care dormea la soare. Fratii Dosoftei au sapat si ei o groapa, tot cu lopatica, dar au aruncat nisip pe salteaua unui turist german care dormea la soare. Cind s-au trezit, turistul italian si cel german s-au incaierat. Copiii familiilor Dosoftei si Tripla au intrat putin in apa si au prins in castile de baie citeva meduze, pentru coltul viu de la scoala. Doamna profesoara le va pune, cu siguranta, cite o nota buna!
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In aceeasi statiune s-a aflat si domnul Augustin Toropeala. El nu este coleg de serviciu cu domnii Tiberiu Dosoftei si Axinte Tripla, fiindca e din alt oras. El este coleg de serviciu cu domnul Ilarion Fisie, dar acesta din urma a preferat sa mearga cu familia la bai, fiindca soacra sa are o afectiune biliara. Din acest motiv, domnul Augustin Toropeala a inceput sa se plictiseasca pe plaja, asa ca a baut trei beri si s-a dus sa se pozeze cu camila unui fotograf ambulant. Cind a vazut-o, a exclamat: “Vai, ce umflaturi are!”. Doamna Marcela Tripla, sotia domnului Axinte Tripla, tocmai isi scosese sutienul ca sa se bronzeze uniform, deci a crezut ca de ea a zis ce a zis domnul Augustin, asa ca i-a dat in cap cu piatra de calciie cumparata de la un vinzator ambulant, dupa cum am spus. Pina ce echipajul ambulantei a sosit la fata locului, sa-l ia cu targa pe domnul Augustin Toropeala, acesta a mai gasit puterea sa bea inca doua beri si sa comande inca patru, pe care le-a consumat in masina, cu brancardierii.
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Tot in cinstea zilei de 23 August si in aceeasi statiune se afla si salvamarul Geo. Pina in ajun el fusese doar salvamontist, dar seful sau l-a detasat la mare, cu prilejul unui schimb de experienta. In locul sau, la munte a ajuns salvamarul Teo. De plictiseala, salvamarul Teo, ajuns salvamontist, a baut vin fiert cu cabanierul si a declarat cu martori ca iubeste din suflet maretia muntelui. Tot de plictiseala, salvamontistul Geo, ajuns salvamar, a baut bere rece cu cabinierul, cel care pazea cabinele de veceu, si a declarat cu martori ca iubeste din suflet maretia marii. Geo si Teo nu s-au intilnit niciodata; doar trenurile in care mergeau – unul, de la mare spre munte, celalalt, de la munte spre mare – au trecut unul pe linga altul, dar in viteza. Daca Geo si cu Teo s-ar fi intilnit, sa zicem, la egala distanta intre mare si munte, cu siguranta ei ar fi baut citeva beri in cinstea zilei de 23 August, despre care am mai pomenit…
7 September 2010 la 5:03 am
Singura fiinta vie si treaza pentru care 23 August insemna ceva era camila Lenuta.Pe cind era pui, era marginalizata de ceilalti pui de camila deoarece avea o singura cocoasa.Parintii ei (adoptivi,avea sa afle)isi frecau botul de cocoasa ei dimineata, numind-o “cocoasa norocoasa”.Lenuta ura acel moment al zilei.Intr-o zi a venit un om alb, dintr-o tara indepartata.Sotia lui, Elena,a vrut s-o calareasca.Omul alb a dat un ordin scurt.Au venit niste oameni in halate albe,nu erau seici nici beduini, si cind s-a trezit avea doua cocoase!Unul dintre oamenii in halat alb a oftat:”bietul dromader!…”Stapinul ei a botezat-o Lenuta in cinstea femeii albe.A aflat mai tarziu ca ea, camila Lenuta, fusese de fapt cadoul pe care Nicolae, barbatul alb il facuse sotiei sale, Elena, de 23 August.Printre alte lucruri.
7 September 2010 la 6:43 am
Bravo, mai, Nicu! Ma bucur sa aflu ca mai vietuiesti si ca esti in verva! Da si tu un semn, ceva, un numar de teflon, o adresa de miel!
7 September 2010 la 5:12 pm
Da cu mielu meu ce ai? Ca adresa de mail ti-am servit-o proaspata la pachet cu comentariul (scuzati cucofonia).Telefon: 0752.964.693.Apropo de tel., il stii pe ala cu “lasa-ma sa fac sex cu tine si-ti dau telefonul meu, spuse el, fluturind un tel.de ultima generatie, ea il lasa, apoi spune hai, da-mi acuma tel., el tragindu-si pantalonii satisfacut zice ia ceva si noteaza 0724…” .Nu-l stii ? Hai sa ti-l zic.Cica era un tip si cu o tipa…ba nu…era un tip si-i face cunostinta altui tip cu o tipa…ba nu.L-am uitat.Da ti-l zic cind ne intilnim.
24 September 2010 la 9:08 pm
Nicu, pot sa-ti dau si eu telefon
) ?
25 September 2010 la 8:29 pm
Ionut, Nicu e un tip tare fain, care mi-a fost coleg de Bomba pe vremea in care Bomba era revista saptaminala de sine statatoare, cu multe pagini, (adica pina prin 1996). Chiar Nicu a fost la Bomba dinaintea mea – eu venind la Ziarul de Iasi (numit, atunci, Monitorul) in 1995, de la alta publicatie locala (la care am scris timpenii in aceeasi gama si la care am ajuns venind de la Academia Catavencu, in 1992 – la Catavencu m-am intors in mai 2004, dupa o perioada in care am fost la Plai cu Boi, de prin 2001, iar acum sint, dupa cum vezi, la Ziarul de Iasi si Academia Catavencu).
Din cele spuse (daca n-ai pierdut, cumva, firul!) reiese evident ca Nicu e un tip fain si cu mult umor, pe care nu cred ca l-a pierdut, desi lucreaza acum intr-un domeniu tragic. Ma bate de departe la umorul spontan, facut pe scena, stand-up comedy (la care cred ca as fi cam mutalau; el a luat si premii), dupa cum a fost unul dintre cei mai tari si la pus bule pe poze.
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