Cip Ieşan

Mersul Trenurilor

Motto:

„Angajam personal. Sunati la gara”

Primul capitol, din care aflam cam care este rostul trenurilor pe lumea asta, in general, si al personalului 89890, in special. Tot aici apare si seful Jenica, dar nu prea mult.

Nu se stie exact nici pina azi ce a fost mai intii: locomotiva ori calea ferata; pe tema asta, unii specialisti in probleme de tehnica se contrazic si in zilele noastre, iar cu prilejul unui simpozion international, citiva respectabili cercetatori s-au incaierat in holul unei institutii seculare, aparindu-si principiile. Cu atit mai putin se cunosc numele celor care, de-a lungul veacurilor, din dorinta de mai bine, de progres, au dotat vagoanele cu perdelute murdare, canapele invelite in musama, cuiere si fotografii inramate pe pereti. Printre anonimi se numara cei care au montat placutele inscriptionate cu traditionalele “E pericoloso sporgersi” sau “A nu se folosi in timpul stationarii”; tot necunoscuti ramin si urmasii lor, care au furat perdelutele, au taiat cu bricegele musamaua canapelelor, au rupt cuierele, au stricat pedalele closetelor din vagoane si au adaugat fotografiilor inramate de pe pereti detalii nerusinate…

A doua zi dupa ce s-a inventat fotografia, unii au facut prima poza cu femei goale. Se poate baga mina in foc ca al doilea film realizat vreodata in istoria cinematografiei a fost unul interzis minorilor. Dupa cum spuneam, nu se stie nici pina azi ce a fost mai intii, locomotiva ori calea ferata, dar mai mult ca sigur, a doua zi dupa inventarea trenului s-a gasit cineva care sa-i adauge vagonul restaurant, cu bufet, bere rece si ciorba de burta…

In zilele noastre exista trenuri de marfa sau de pasageri, puse in miscare de locomotive electrice, diesel, diesel-electrice, cu aburi sau cu alte chestii. Exista vagoane de diferite modele, marimi sau culori, avind destinatii dintre cele mai diverse. Vagoanele pentru calatori formeaza o specie aparte, care prezinta mai multe subspecii.

Pe caile ferate din intreaga lume circula, scotind un tacanit universal, vagoane pentru toti, indiferent de sex, religie, virsta, apartenenta politica, studii, rasa, etnie sau buget. Pe aceleasi sine pe care au alunecat lin si parfumat aristocratii pasageri ai Orient-Express-ului s-au inghesuit, apoi, garniturile cu soldati in drum spre front, dupa care, zdruncinindu-se, trenurile cu brigadieri si vagoanele scorojite ale personalelor de navetisti. Calea ferata reprezinta astazi o oaza de egalitate sociala: desi a platit mai mult, omul de afaceri sau nazurosul parlamentar calator la clasa I ajunge la destinatie in acelasi moment si cu aceeasi intirziere ca simplul cetatean asezat pe valiza, pe culoar. Si, fiindca dispunerea vagoanelor e hotarita de forte situate mai presus de intelegerea unui calator obisnuit, iar garile in care se schimba locomotiva si sensul de mers sint multe si necunoscute, nici macar sansa de a cobori din tren mai aproape de gara si de peron nu i se ofera pasagerului simandicos. Macar la avion e mai simplu: in caz de coliziune frontala, cei care mor primii sint pasagerii de pe scaunele din fata, cei de la Business Class.

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Trenul personal 89890 are vagoanele verzi si murdare si nu are Business Class, deoarece cu el nu calatoresc prea multi oameni de afaceri – doar citiva patroni de magazine mixte amenajate in garaj sau de bufete comunale mai merg la oras, dupa marfa. Are, in schimb, vagon restaurant, adaugat in mod exceptional pentru calatorii care pina atunci trageau semnalul de alarma, oprind garnitura in dreptul tuturor bodegilor zarite pe geam. Rezultatul inregistrat a fost pozitiv, iar dupa citeva luni, o persoana cu simt practic din conducerea regionalei a lipit de restaurantul pe roti si un vagon de marfa, rezolvindu-se astfel si problema aprovizionarii pe traseu; unii ramin de parere ca ar fi fost mai nimerit un vagon-cisterna…

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Pe peron, seful de tren Jenica se uita la ceas; prin jurul sau treceau ca niste particule in miscare browniana calatori cu geamantane, genti si saci sau impingind carucioare de butelii. Toti se dadura in laturi pentru a face loc unui electrocar plin cu bidoane si condus de un cetatean care purta dupa ureche o tigara botita si care facea din gura “Bi-biiii! Ti-tiii! Ni-no-ni-no! Ferea, ca n-are frineeee!”, fiindca vehiculul nu avea nici claxon. Acesta isi intrerupse discursul pentru a-si trage sufletul si a striga:

- Hai noroc, nea Jenica! Merge, merge? Ce face ala micu?

Popa Serapion Tamiie povesteste pacatosilor despre parastase si zadarnicia celor pamintesti – printre care, economia exagerata de apa curenta.

Forfota garii se domolise: pasagerii, veniti in gara cu ore inainte, sa nu piarda trenul, se urcasera in vagoane, iar acum fumau pe culoar, asteptind sa auda fluierul pentru a-si lua ramas bun de la rudele ramase pe peron si pentru a scoate sticlele, puii prajiti si ouale rascoapte din genti. Sub banchete, gainile, ratele, gistele si curcanii incetasera sa se mai zbata si incercau sa socializeze pe limba lor de oratanie.

Pe holul vagonului 6, un 6 desenat cu creta si semanind cu un G sau cu jumatate de perja, plutea fum de la trei tigari proaste. Primul fumator, un gras cret si mustacios, ridicase tonul, improsca scuipat cu tutun si raspindea miros de transpiratie cind isi intarea spusele prin gesturi.

- Deci, mosul, cind l-au dezgropat, parca dormea, cu palaria pe piept si bani pe ochi. Au cautat cumnatul si cumatrul sa-i scoata inima, s-o arda si s-o bea, sa le treaca de moroi: ei, n-au gasit-o. Nu i-au gasit inima!

- Pai, da’ cind l-au dezgropat? vru sa stie al doilea fumator, Aurel Latunoi, zugrav cu ziua si fost candidat la un post de consilier local, acum imbracat intr-o salopeta murdara, dar calcata impecabil.

- Dupa sapte ani, la parastas. Se mai intimpla lucruri din astea, zic eu, lucruri pe care omului nu-i este dat sa le-nteleaga. Sa spuie si parintele: nu-i asa, Sfintia voastra?

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Cel de-al treilea pasager de la geam purta haina preoteasca si tragea cu pofta iarba-dracului, trecindu-si din cind in cind miinile prin barba. Serapion Tamiie il slujea pe Dumnezeu la bisericuta din spatele garii; fiind singurul popa din zona, avea clientela numeroasa si era considerat o autoritate mai presus decit cele locale – de care oamenii se cam fereau, mai ales cind mergeau noaptea la cules papusoi, motorina din conducte sau alte roade ale ogoarelor.

- Fiilor, mica e intelegerea omului si multe sint caile Domnului. Parastasele astea nu-s de glumit, v-o spun eu. Adica nu eu, ci specialistul din mine v-o spune.

- Pai, zi-o, parinte, ca mai e pina fluiera, se rugara cei doi de fata bisericeasca.

- Ca sa dau doar un exemplu, incepu parintele Serapion Tamiie, eram mai demult, cu niste ani in urma, la un mort. Mort-mort, isi traise traiul, batuse nouazeci, nu conteaza; oricum, jale, ca la mort. In casa, aglomerat, rude, coliva, vin de pomana, colaci si fum de luminari… Le-am zis ca mai bine ies la aer pina in ograda, unde era intinsa masa mare si, nu zic nu, plina. Era asa, la un sfirsit frumos de septembrie, pui fripti, purcel, albinele inca mai zumzaiau, vinuri de vreo trei feluri, o boare placuta, tuica, stiti decorul. Ei, ma infig eu singur, nu ma vedea nimeni – si daca m-ar fi vazut, ce, ca doar unu-i popa, nu? Adica VIP, cum s-ar spune, nu? Deci, iau eu din toate, icre, salate, hamsii, maioneza, ca era parastasul ca la nunta, numai mirii lipseau. Ma intorc la mort, fac treaba, il ducem la vesnicul domiciliu, dup-aia hai inapoi, ca e masa mare. Cind ma indreptam eu din nou spre salate, pui si pulpite, ma trage de mineca o baba. Una cu nas mare, scobita si galbena la fata. Ma trage deoparte si-mi zice la ureche, cica “Parintele, parintele, nu minca, sa nu maninci, sa nu pui gura pe bucate!”. “Ce-i, fa, ce-ai patit, ai tintari acasa, ai visat strigoi, adica de ce sa nu maninc?”. La care ea, cica “Pai nu, parintele, ca astia, rudele, deh, au spalat farfuriile, paharele si tacimurile in cada, si tot acolo au tinut si sticlele la racit!”. Eu ma tot gindeam la alea de pe masa si am intrebat-o “Ce-are, fa, ce-are cada lor din baie, de ce nu-i buna, poate n-o fi de import, cu jacuzzi, nu?”, iar atunci imi zice baba ca “Pai are, parintele, ca inainte, tot in apa aia, ca sa faca economie, au spalat mortul!”. Ei, bine, atunci am fost eu bolnav si am zacut doua luni, ca-l stiam pe mort cum fusese la viata lui…

- Si totusi, stimate popa, parinte, cum e cu parastasele de sapte ani, mai ramine sau nu mai ramine inima, ca tot n-am priceput? intreba primul fumator, dupa citeva minute in care nu facu decit sa se scarpine, privind cu greata in jur.

- Pai, cum? Deci, la ceva vreme dupa aia, merg eu la un parastas de sapte ani, o cucoana. Stiti cum e la sapte ani, cind se scot ciolanele din groapa si se spala cu vin, se face masa, se da de pomana… Stau eu si astept sa termine baietii care sapau in cimitir, se aude cazmaua in lemn, sicriul, ce mai ramasese din el, iar Titi, groparul, da capacul la o parte sa scoata oasele. Ei, atunci l-am vazut pe dom’ Titi cum se face ca luminarile si lesina. Frate-su, tot gropar si el, fuga sa-l ajute, crezuse ca i s-o fi facut rau, “Titi, Titi, stai asa ca viu!”. Ei, se ingalbeneste si asta si cade peste Titi. Tot asa, au mai lesinat inca vreo trei baieti; dupa ce i-am stropit cu apa si s-au trezit, ma apropii si eu sa vad cauza, de ce, ce s-o fi intimplat, poate or fi fost ceva gaze, emanatii, stiti cum e. Ma uit in groapa si ma ia groaza. Atunci i-am inteles eu pe bietii baieti…

- Da’ ce-i, ce era, parinte, ce era acolo? Se facuse moroi, vampir, baba, nu?

- Nttt! Ce vampir, bre? Mai rau! Din baba ramasesera oasele curate, ca dupa sapte ani, si deasupra, peste coaste, asa, se ridicau titele femeii, ca doua pungute lucioase! Titi si ailalti gropari, daca n-au vazut silicoane la viata lor, normal ca i-a apucat, incheie popa, tusind cu subinteles.

Trenul pleaca, respectind legile mecanicii newtoniene, iar noi aflam cum nu trebuie zugravita o casa si de ce e bine sa fim corecti cu mesterii.

Seful de gara Anton Fluieras fluiera luuung din tignalul primit pe inventar, iar trenul personal 89890 porni cu o smucitura, scirtiind pe sine. Smucitura asta a fost una singura, dar efectele sale au fost multe. In vagonul 2, de exemplu, trei geamantane si o damigeana au cazut din locul lor special amenajat peste Zamfira Carausu, 87 de ani, care adormise deja. In vagonul 4, un domn care isi scosese sa manince oua fierte cu rosii de cum urcase in compartiment si-a infipt furculita in ochi, apoi in mina vecinului. Ceva mai incolo, dar in aceeasi clipa, un alt domn – cu gambeta, pantaloni in dungi si mustata in furculita – tocmai scapa pe geamul larg deschis al unui alt compartiment, din cauza aceluiasi soc, un pechinez numit Bubico…

Prin urmare, mai cu o valiza in crestet, mai cu o gaina sau o furculita in ochi, pasagerii au simtit ca trenul s-a pus in miscare – intii accelerata, apoi oarecum uniforma. Parintele Serapion Tamiie din vagonul 6 scoase dintr-o tagirta roz imprimata cu indragite personaje din desenele animate citeva prescuri si incepu sa le molfaie.

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- Deh, rosti ca pentru sine Aurel Latunoi, zugrav cu ziua si fost candidat la un post de consilier local. Se vede, Sfintia-voastra, ca multe lucruri ne sint ascunse noua, oamenilor de rind. Silicoanele babei, deci? Eu, daca eram acolo, le luam acasa, le spalam si le dadeam lui nevasta-mea. Le-ar fi cusut in loc de pernite, la palton. Pacat sa se piarda, pacatele mele…

- Fiule, nu-i frumos sa gindesti asa, raspunse printre imbucaturi popa Tamiie, fiindca fapta asta, oricum ai lua-o, tot profanare, adica mare pacat se cheama. Plus ca, vorba aia, nu e igienic, are microbi, miroase a groapa… Asta imi aminteste de o enoriasa din parohie, Venera Natarau, careia ii intrase dracul in casa; casa proaspat varuita, oarecum curata, da’ cum intrai, cum simteai pucioasa diavoleasca. M-au chemat acolo sa fac exorcizare, sa-l scot pe Necuratul; am facut, am refacut, tot nimic, tot mirosea…

- Nu-i baba aia care crestea bibilici in baie? Cu casa mov-liliachiu, asa, nu? Ha! Pai, parinte, si pucioasa aia a dracilor, de care vorbesti matale, are o poveste lunga. De fapt, nu chiar asa de lunga, privi Aurel la ceas si aprinzind inca o tigara.

Deci, incepu el povestea nu chiar asa de lunga, acum vreo doi lucram tot cu ziua, pe la cite unul-altul, care avea nevoie. Stiti, eu zugravesc, pun dibluri, impusc in beton, tai lemne, repar aparatura audio-video… Daca e nevoie, daca ma cheama, pun lipitori, umplu bors sau tin evidenta contabila pe la firme. Deci, baba respectiva are o fiica, Stela Gresie, maritata cu un mester de pe la noi. Ala ma cheama, odata, “Hai, Aurele, la soacra-mea, ca avem comanda, dam cu glet, cu var, punem faianta, ne-am scos!”. Mergem deci noi la baba aranjati, pregatiti, ca mesterii; dumneaei se uita cam cis, asa, la amindoi, pesemne ca il stia mai bine pe ginerica al ei ce baiat bun e cind nu-i cherchelit, adica rareori. Buuun! Deci, frec eu peretii, hirsa-hirsa, cu smirghel, baba cu ochii pe noi, ca sa nu scape ginerica la camara. Noi, cu cirpe la nas si gura, pentru praf, injuram pe sub cirpe tot neamul babei. Ea, nimic, cu ochii pe noi, cica daca tragem tare, fara pauza, peste doua ore ne da un ceai cu prajiturele de casa. Colegul asta al meu, Gresie, ar fi bagat-o cu capul in var de drag. Ei, si cum gindeam noi ca mai bine ne bagam picioarele si facem ceva in ciubucul babei, o striga careva la poarta…

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- Ei, si atunci ce-ati facut? intreba popa Serapion Tamiie, vadit curios.

- Ei, parinte, ce-ar fi facut oricine in locul nostru? Normal ca Gresie, ginerele, a sarit la camara, la vinul cetatencei. Un vin rosu, capsunica, din ala de pateaza… Si deodata, baba in usa. Ca hau, ca vai, ca betivanule, ca una-alta, ca numai paguba aduci, ca unde mi-au fost mintile cind ti-am dat-o pe fiica-mea, stiti cum se zice la situatii dintr-astea. Pe mine nu ma vazuse, fiindca ascunsesem repede sticla cu vin in galeata cu var. Deci, Gresie se enerveaza, ii scapa o laba soacra-sii si ma lasa singur cu bestia in casa. Eu, na, luasem un aconto de la doamna si nu puteam pleca, zicea ceva, ca vine cu agentul, deci fac eu ce fac, fleosc-fleosc cu bidineaua, ca se lasase intunericul de-acum si nu mai vedeam bine, apoi plec ca impuscatul, sa nu mai aud de soacra lui Gresie in viata mea. Noroc ca a doua zi am plecat de dimineata cu o lucrare, si pina m-am intors, dupa o saptamina, s-a mai uitat, s-a mai calmat doamna…

- Da’ de ce, ma, ce sa uite?

- Pai, v-am zis ca ascunsesem sticla in galeata cu var, sa nu vada. Pesemne n-oi fi pus dopul bine, zic eu, asa ca s-a amestecat vinul cu varul si de-aia i-a iesit babei casa movulie, ca pe intuneric n-am vazut. Au mai venit alti mesteri dup-aia, au incercat sa dea cu trafaletul pe deasupra, da’ nu stiu cum se face ca pe cit au dat, pe-atit mai tare s-a vazut culoarea. Blestemul lui Gresie, cred eu… Ei, acum stiti de ce are doamna Venera casa asa de vesela, incheie mesterul zugrav Aurel.

- Da, bine, si ce legatura are cu pucioasa dracilor, cu mirosul? intreba parintele Serapion Tamiie.

- Aha, am uitat sa va spun: fiindca baba a ciriit ca aia nu-i treaba facuta, ci pospaiala, ca ne-am batut joc, ca una, alta, n-a vrut sa dea toti banii. De-aia, inainte de-a pleca, i-am lasat intr-o doza din perete un ou crud cu coaja nitel sparta si am varuit pe deasupra.

Despre personalul de deservire al vagonului restaurant, despre directii, sensuri si drumul omului prin viata.

Vagonul restaurant inca nu era deschis, desi citiva calatori se urcasera inca din gara pe scarile si tampoanele acestuia, iar acum trageau suturi in usi. Barmanul Tudorel Masura si ospatarul Cornel Tava tocmai turnau apa in ciorba de burta, sa o inmulteasca; intr-un tirziu, usa fu descuiata, iar multimea galagioasa de impatimiti ai socializarii se revarsa intr-un spatiu mult prea mic.

Obisnuitii trenului personal 89890 aveau locurile lor rezervate neoficial; intrusii erau nevoiti sa se descurce. Un mos nebarbierit, purtind o basca uda de sudoare si tricou imprimat cu iepurasi, reusise sa se traga aproape de o masa, cu fundul pe un sac miscator, si comanda un Courvoisier dublu, cu lamiie.

- Vine baiatuuu! Un curvoaaaa… cum a zis domnu’ de la masa patru! striga ospatarul Tava, in vreme ce barmanul Tudorel Masura lua cu un gest expert sticla cu aperitiv “Crisan” de pe raft.

- Da’ unde mergi, mosule, asa incarcat? vru sa stie tinarul angajat. Si ce duci matale in desaga ceea, nu stii ca nu-i voie cu animale in tren?

- De dus, iaca, ma duc si eu unde mi-o fi drumul, doar bunul Dumnezeu stie de unde venim si incotro ne indreptam. Ca din pamint am plecat si in pamint ne intoarcem… Eu, de exemplu, am plecat odata la girla, la pescuit, si am ajuns in santul din spatele scolii, fara pantofi, ceas si undita, dormeam cu punga de rime sub cap, ca o perna. Dupa alte niste zile am plecat cu un purcel, sa-l vind la oras, si m-am trezit in arest. Mi-au zis ca facusem scandal intr-un bufet si dadusem cu purcelul in cap la o doamna. Mai recent, n-am plecat nicaieri; bausem si ma culcasem in curte, ca omul gospodar, da’ am ajuns cu vreo zece kilometri mai jos, ca venise viitura de la munte. De-aia zic eu ca nu mai stiu unde merg. Viata e plina de meandre… Iar in desaga aiasta, pe care sed io acum, daca tineti mortis sa aflati, o duc pe baba, pe nevasta-mea. Am zis sa facem economie la un bilet.

- Da’ totusi, unde-ai vrea matale sa mergi acum?

- Totusi, daca-i asa, as dori sa ajung la Zalau, la nepotu’.

- Cum ti-o fi norocul, mosule, da’ nu-i asta trenul, interveni ospatarul Cornel Tava, aducind bauturile.

Niste lucratori ai ogoarelor nu prea au chef de munca, iar un fost papusar povesteste despre legatura dintre arta, sperietori, o soacra de primar si niste americani.

- Bai, Vasile Roaita, care ai tras maneta? Maneta si semnalul cui te-a facut! Strigatul tisnise prin geamul deschis al locomotivei, un geam patat de ulei si sters cu o cirpa murdara, care servise inainte drept fata de masa. In intreaga locomotiva mirosea nu a motorina, ci a pescarie si a mujdei. Strigatul, care mirosea si el a peste cu mujdei, facu sa zbirniie geamurile degeaba, fiindca nici o fiinta vie din jur n-ar fi recunoscut ca ea a tras semnalul de alarma. Niste cetateni imbracati in nuntasi, cu tenisi noi, fugeau peste cimp saltind valize, papornite si damigene. Trenul oprise haisa, intre halte, iar unii dintre calatori tocmai ignorau avertismentul “E pericoloso sporgersi!”. In departare se zareau zeci de lucratori ai ogoarelor, parca incremeniti in pozitii nefiresti si identice.

- Astia de p-aici, din cite se vede, au tare mare chef de munca! spuse cu tilc un calator virstnic, descaltat de ghete si cu picioarele intinse sub nasul doamnei din fata, care minca pufuleti. Sta recolta, stau si ei…

- Se vede ca nu esti de pe-aici, mosule, daca nu stii povestea cu astia, cum le-ai zis matale, si cu cheful lor de munca.

- Asa-i, eu is tocmai de pe la Valea Mitei, da’ si noi avem in sat niste tiriie-briu care servesc de dimineata la bufet, iar pe cimp nu s-ar apleca nici sa-i muste cirtita de sandale. Povestea ceea de care ziceai care-i, om bun?

- Mitrache ma numesc, mosule. Mitrache Papusoi. Sint – mai bine zis, am fost – papusar-marionetist la noi, la teatrul de amatori. Puneam in scena din astea, pentru copii, asa, punguta cu doi bani, Intoarcerea pungutei cu doi bani (*), fata babei, fata mosului, Hamlet… Iedul cel mic, lupul… Ce rol, ce interpretare! Cind urlam ca lupul, faceau spectatorii pe ei, ca erau mai ales prescolari din astia, micii…

- Si?

- Si vine la mine primarul nostru, Aristide Sirma, intr-o seara, cu o problema: cica, daca tot ma pricep eu la papusi, la din astea, artistice, ia sa ma gindesc cum sa fac sa concep niste sperietori de pus pe cimp, pe ogor la noi, ca productia a iesit mult sub estimari. Mi-a mai zis ca, fiind cumatri, nu se organizeaza licitatie, deci ma iarta ca produc ilegal si fara taxe tuica in beci. Buuun! Deci, fac eu niste proiecte artistice, cum ar veni, si le prezint la prima sedinta cu consilierii locali. Acolo se ridica unul de la opozitie si-l intreaba pe domnul primar ca de ce sperietori de ciori, ca la noi nu ciorile dauneaza (nici n-avem ciori, fiindca le-au prins oamenii, le-au dat cu clor si le-au vindut la oras drept pui), ci altele, cirtitele, gindacii de Colorado, coropisnitele si nu in ultimul rind oamenii – deci de ce sa nu fac eu mai bine sperietori de coropisnite, cirtite sau gindaci…

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- Si ai facut matale sperietori de coropisnite? Cum arata sperietorile de coropisnite? vru sa stie controlorul de bilete Jenica, ramas cu clestele palmat intr-o mina si cu cealalta intinsa caus, ascultind povestea.

- Facut un… facut pe naiba! Pina la urma a ramas ca sa proiectez, cica, niste sperietori pentru hotii de carburanti care vin noaptea si dau gaura la conductele de pe ogoarele noastre, ca din cauza lor se compromite recolta, dupa ce fac urmariri cu politistii prin tarla… Deci, am facut politisti de tabla, mascati de tabla, procurori de tabla, asa, frumos pictati…

- Si?

- Si au venit niste oameni din sat care nu s-au speriat de ei, si i-au furat pe toti intr-o noapte, de-a valma, politisti, mascati, procurori, cu circa, aveau nevoie de tabla sa repare acoperisul, cotetul, cine stie? Pina la urma, tot primarul, cumatrul, cu ideea, cica sa fac si niste alte sperietori, cum ar veni, care sa-i sperie pe taranii care fura sperietorile de tabla puse sa-i sperie pe aia de fura benzina, motorina…

- Si le-ati facut?

- Le-am facut, sa le ia naiba. Pe ele si pe boul de primar, care mi-a bagat-o pe git drept fotomodel pe soacra-sa, doamna Antena Lampa, sa scape de gura ei, ca se visa fotomodel cucoana. Ce-i drept, care o vedea se speria, da’ nici chiar asa, ca daca face unu’ atac de cord, nu ma ancheteaza si pe mine?

- Bine, da’ legatura care-i?

- Legatura e ca dupa alegeri s-a schimbat primarul, iar eu am ramas cu citeva duzini de sperietori pe stoc, toate cu fata doamnei Antena, care parca se holba la mine cind treceam pe linga ele, ziceai ca-i Mona Lisa sau boii aia de la carul lui Grigorescu. Habar n-avea nimeni la ce-ar fi putut folosi ele, fiind fara vreo utilitate, sa-i zic asa… De-aia spuneam eu ca munca pamintului e relativa, incheie fostul papusar Mitrache Papusoi.

- Si, pina la urma, totusi, care-i treaba lor cu munca pamintului? vru sa stie mosul.

- Pai, lucratorii aia din tarla, de-i vezi matale pe geam cum parca s-ar apuca, parca nu s-ar apuca de treaba, alea-s sperietorile noastre… Le tinem acolo de cind au venit niste americani sa faca un film cu sclavi negri care lucreaza pe cimp, la ferma. Oamenii de la noi din sat n-au vrut sa iasa la munca nici macar ca figuranti, pe valuta, ziceau ca dupa citeva spirle ii doare la trisca de figuratie, se simt vedete ca Margelatu si maninca seminte. Pina la urma, le-am vindut alora, cineastilor, americanilor, tot stocul de bucati; le-a convenit, ca eu le dadusem inainte cu vopsea neagra pe fata, sa nu-i mai vad mutra doamnei Lampa cum se holbeaza la mine.

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(*) „Intoarcerea pungutei cu doi bani”, tot de Cip IESAN, ilustratii tot de Jup, Editura Polirom, 2005

Trenul sta in continuare, spre deosebire de patru calugari de la Schitul Pasarea, care merg pina-n pinzele albe sa li se faca dreptate.

Vagonul restaurant era ticsit: de cind personalul 89890 oprise in cimp, zeci de plescari se repezisera dinspre toate punctele cardinale ca furnicile la dulceata, atrasi irezistibil de emblema pe care zimbeau, asezate incrucisat ca oasele de pe steagul piratilor, un cutit si o furculita. Inauntru era aglomeratie, erau mirosuri diverse si mult fum. Citeva muste biziiau. Cei care nu prinsesera locuri la mese sedeau pe geamantane sau papornite, iar din loc in loc cite cinci-sase dosuri late imparteau frateste o naveta goala. Se consuma orice, mai ales direct din sticle: aperitive si lichioruri in culori vii, ireale, vinuri de regiune sau selectionate, curacao, horinca, Martini, secarica la sfert, braga, Dom Perignon, rachiu de mere, visinata, afinata, caisata, capsunata, tuica de dovleac porcesc sau bere. Se fuma pe ruptelea, iar cei mai multi pasageri jucau carti sau isi spuneau snoave si cimilituri.

Intr-un colt, patru dintre noii veniti formau o pata de lipsa de culoare: ieseau in evidenta prin hainele lor negre, prin pletele si barbile lor, dar mai ales prin purtarea lor sfioasa. Nu fumau, nu injurau, nu beau si nu jucau carti; doar din cind in cind unul dintre ei, mic si burtos, scotea o batista mare, isi sufla nasul, apoi se stergea cu ea pe fata.

- Dar indrazniti, indrazniti, sfintiile voastre, nu stati in picioare, ca-i drum lung pina la capat. Ia, Donose, Scarlate, faceti loc la oamenii istea! lua cuvintul un pasager mai in virsta, pe care ceilalti il priveau cu respectul cuvenit si ii spuneau “dom’ maistru”. Unde mergeti, cuviosilor, ca va vad cam posomoriti? ii intreba el pe cei patru, dupa ce se asezara care pe bancheta, care pe naveta.

- Ei, fiule, ne vezi pre noi posomoriti la chip, dar si mai adinca suparare in sufletele noastre sta ascunsa. Noi, aici de fata, in luminata adunare, sintem cuviosii calugari Averchie, Pafnutie, Pandemie si Epizootie, frati intru credinta la Schitul Pasarea, peste deal. Supararea noastra cade la suflet de cind bunul Dumnezeu, in nemarginita Sa intelepciune, a dat sa ne cerce credinta si rabdarea, de ni L-a trimis pe necuratul.

- Si cum arata necuratul asta, cuviosia ta? Poseda copite, coarne si barba? vru sa afle un mesean enervant, cu mustata si laptop. In vagon se lasase linistea, strapunsa doar de zgomotul urechilor care se ciuleau.

- Pai, cum sa arate? Acum, ni L-a trimis sub chip de autoritati locale, deci e cam asa, gras, ca matale. Totul a inceput intr-o dimineata, cind la poarta lacasului nostru de rugaciune si uitare de cele lumesti au venit niste oameni. Erau cu masinile, doi aveau straie asa, otova, costume de protectie, masti, obrazare, iar unul cu cravata, care a zis ca e de la minister, flutura o hirtie si striga ca vrea musai sa-l vada pe taica staret, cuviosul parinte Epigastrie.

- O fi fost vreo telegrama, vreo veste, nu? Hai, noroc! intrerupse un baiat cu mustacioara si geaca de fis cu embleme.

- As, fiule! Zicea ca au inceput sa moara gainile oamenilor, ca sint suspecte de o boala cu nume ca la sah, asa ca au venit intins la noi, cu ordin de evacuare.

- Cum adica, Sfintia voastra, boala cu nume ca la sah?

- Pai, cum e cind se muta piesele, nu stii, fiule? H-5, N-1 sau cam asa ceva. Cica, sintem suspecti, pacatele noastre, conform ordinului de la minister. Si, mai ales, ca sa se omoare, sa se izoleze si sa se arda toate pasarile…

- Si?

- Si noi, dupa cum am mai spus, sintem calugari la Schitul Pasarea, poate n-ati priceput. Noroc de taica staretul, ca a luat cu el niste frati intru credinta si rugaciune, pe cuviosii Paisie, Dionisie, Transmisie si Demisie, mai zdraveni la trup, de-au reusit sa-i tina pe aia care tocmai stropeau cu benzina. Stropeau, sa dea foc la schit, pacatele mele! Tuspatru se inchinara lung, iar calugarul cel mic si burtos isi sufla inca o data nasul in batista, apoi se sterse cu ea pe fata. Deci, continua calugarul, cum spuneam, s-a facut invalmaseala, au, vai – ca parintele Transmisie, ehehei, are o mina grea ca buturuga! – pina la urma, au inceput ei sa explice ca macar sa dam pasarile din schit, sa le arda, sa aiba ce raporta mai sus.

- Si?

- Si care pasari, cinstita adunare? La noi se fac exorcizari din astea, alungari de draci – ori, dupa cum se stie, dracii ies doar cu post si rugaciune. Post cu fripturi de gaina, de curcan, de rata, asta nu s-a mai intilnit, zau, pacatele mele! Cuviosii Pandemie si Epizootie, aici de fata, care se ocupa la noi cu aprovizionarea, au iscalit un proces verbal cum ca in schit nu se afla picior de pasare, nici fulgi macar, in perne, ca avem canon sa dormim cu capul pe pietre goale.

- Si?

- Ei, ce tot atita si-si-si? Pai, si de la semnaturile lor ni s-a tras, ca odata ce apar intr-un proces verbal de constatare pe tema gripei aviare niste termeni precum numele cuviosiilor lor, Pandemie si Epizootie, incepe buclucul! se enerva calugarul Averchie. Eu, in smerenia mea, socot ca n-o fi mers cum trebuie faxul, s-o fi botit hirtia, s-o fi blocat rola, s-o fi intins cerneala, s-o fi inteles gresit in context si de-aia ne-au bagat in carantina, cu cordon de politisti si jandarmi in jurul schitului, sa nu iasa nici picior de frate calugar…

- Dar cuviosiile voastre cum ati reusit sa iesiti? Si acum, intre noi fie vorba, unde mergeti?

- De mers, mergem cu Domnul, la Guvern, la presedinte, la forurile superioare, la ONU, la Haga, mergem pina unde va da bunul Dumnezeu, care pe toate le hotaraste si pe noi ne incearca dupa buna voia lui. Cit despre iesit, despre cum am trecut de cordonul politistilor si jandarmilor… Tot Domnul, in nesfirsita lui bunatate, ne-a calauzit mintea si pasii: le-am zis alora de ne-au oprit ca nu sintem calugari de la schit, ci patru cavaleri ninja veniti sa facem un film de actiune pe meleagurile astea indepartate. Ne-au lasat, de-abia dupa ce s-au pozat cu noi si le-am dat autografe.

Povestea surdomutului din tren, spusa chiar de el insusi. Tot aici apare si o baba care sustine libertatea de exprimare si stintele exacte.

Intre timp – dar in vagonul opt – se iscase o ciorovaiala intre domnul controlor Jenica si citiva calatori, pe motiv ca respectivii isi cumparasera bilete, asadar refuzau sa cotizeze la nas. Domnul Jenica tocmai le zvirlise legitimatiile de calatorie pe geam, iar acum injura, amenintindu-i ca ii arunca si pe ei daca nu se fac oameni de inteles. Ar fi injurat mult si bine daca in compartiment n-ar fi intrat, ciocanind discret, un surdomut imbracat cu niste haine. In tacere, acesta lasa pe masuta plina deja de coji de oua, oase de pui si pielite de rosii citeva pachetele in celofan si promise cu un gest discret sa revina. Primul care se repezi la pachetele fu insusi nasul, care le intoarse pe-o parte si pe alta, apoi le zvirli la loc, pufnind nemultumit:

- Ntt! Pacat! Eu vroiam o bricheta cu beculet, niste pixuri, un breloc cu schelet, un carnetel chinezesc, o prostioara, ceva. N-are. Eheeei, nu mai sint surdomutii de pe vremuri!

Aproape fiecare dintre calatori alese cite un produs: mozaicar-patiserul Cornel Giza pastra pentru el o femeie gonflabila si un ciocan pneumatic, domnul Vartolomeu Pastae (purtator de nasalie si clopotar la o casa de moda) prefera o grapa cu discuri de muzica usoara si un glob pamintesc pentru uz didactic la scara 1/2, iar Victoras Zidire deveni proprietarul unui triciclu motopropulsat de colectie, cu cadrul din cornier. Toti trei platira pe loc surdomutului, multumindu-i, iar acesta raspunse “Pentru putin”.

Trenul personal 89890 porni cu o smucitura care il facu pe surdomut – ramas fara sprijin, deoarece isi numara banii cu ambele miini – sa cada in nas si sa injure cu voce tare de mama cailor ferate si de nenumarate evenimente sau rude despre care mai bine nu pomenim.

- Matale chiar esti surdomut? vru sa stie o doamna dintr-un compartiment alaturat, care statea pe locul de linga usa deschisa sa iasa fumul.

- Am fost, stimata doamna, am fost pina nu demult. Am fost, dar m-am vindecat! se lauda el, apoi ofta, innegurindu-se la fata. Zilele trecute m-am vindecat, uitati, am si acte cum ca, dar de-acum… De-acum, n-o sa ma mai creada nimeni, or sa spuna toti ca m-am prefacut.

- Oi fi mers matale, maica, pe la doctori mari ori pe la vreun vindecator care face minuni, nu? Baba care se bagase in vorba – una osoasa, paroasa, imbracata cu bundita si purtind pe cap doua basmale una peste alta (sau una sub alta, in functie de punctul de vedere) – statea pe o sacosa cu cas din care zerul se scurgea ca un izvoras. Luat pe talpi de calatori, zerul alcatuise de-a lungul trenului o potecuta umeda, mirosind puternic a cioban certat cu igiena intima. Din cauza damfului, trei doamne (si toate trei!) lesinasera deja, un cetatean cu cravata care dormea adinc pe bancheta visa ca e din nou tinar activist si maninca savarine la cantina partidului, iar un ciine pripasit prin vagonul 7 incepu sa urle ca la tirla.

- Ce doctori mari, babo, care vindecatori? Ce, am eu bani de dat? Totul a pornit, ehehei, de la televizor, de la un program din ala, de teleshopping, isi aminti surdomutul, in al carui buletin era trecut numele de Valentin Lebada.

- Oi fi cumparat matale ceva buline, pilule, pastile, ori vreun dispozitiv din ala cu microcip, care se implanteaza sub piele, cum am vazut intr-un documentar despre viitorul bionicii?

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- Taci, babo! Nu. Totul a inceput cu nevasta-mea, care-i mai saraca de cap, asa. Cind m-am insurat am zis ca eu surdomut, ea cum e ea, deci merge. Putea sa vorbeasca oricit si orice, pe mine nu ma deranja. Deci, ea se uita mereu la televizor toata ziua, si la teleshopping se uita, ca alta treaba prin casa, sa zici ca punea mina pe vreun aspirator, pe vreo matura, nimic. Si numai ce ma pomenesc eu intr-o zi ca imi aduce postasul un colet…

- Si ce era inauntru? Ce se afla in el, in colet?

- Pai, in el, in colet, se afla un set practic de tigai si vase de bucatarie special conceput pentru surdomuti.

- Adica? rasuna o voce din multimea adunata in jurul domnului Valentin Lebada.

- Adica i-am rupt nevesti-mi de cap tigaia cea mai mare special conceputa pentru surdomuti, ca am si intrebat-o dupa aia, prin semne, stiti, cum facem noi, surdomutii…

- Da, maica, stie baba! Prin partile noastre, prin sat la noi, am vazut semne din alea, maica. Se mai cheama LMG, adica limbaj mimico-gestual, intari batrina. Am urmarit chiar si un documentar despre ele, la Teleenciclopedie…

- Taci, babo, ca te ating, iti rup gura! O iei, daca nu te-astimperi! Lasa omul sa vorbeasca! Baba se facu comoda, lasindu-se si mai tare pe sacosa cu cas, din care iesi un nou val de zer:

- Pentru asta am luptat noi la Revolutie? Asta-i dreptul la libera exprimare, dreptul la opinie? Na, rupe-mi gura, mie, femeie batrina, na! Rupe-o, sa te vad daca poti! Am vazut intr-un documentar ca exista acum niste proteze din titan cu carbura de tungsten, care pot inlocui mandib…

Cineva ii trase babei sacosa cu cas de sub fund, iar doamna cazu pe spate. Deasupra ei se isca invalmaseala si nu se putea intelege nimic. Doar se auzi geamul deschizindu-se, strigatul “Traiasca libertatea de exprimare si stiintele exacteeeee!” pierzindu-se undeva, in urma, apoi geamul inchizindu-se la loc. Invalmaseala se mai potoli. Baba disparuse. Toti mincau cas.

- Deci, dupa cum spuneam, i-am rupt nevestei de cap tigaia aia mare, din setul special pentru surdomuti, si i-am explicat prin semne ca e proasta…

- Si cum arati matale cuiva, prin semne, ca-i prost? intreba un cetatean.

- Uite-asa! Eeee? Te-ai prins? Daca n-ai inteles, iti si spun ca esti prost. Deci, se vede ca n-o fi inteles ea prea bine gestul ori n-oi fi fost eu destul de explicit cu tigaia aia speciala pentru surdomuti, sigur este ca peste o saptamina suna la usa niste cetateni in salopeta. Cu alt colet, mai mare, de-abia il carau. Rup cartonul, cutia, deschid: ce era inauntru?

- Aparat de vindecat pentru matale, nu?

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- Vrei sa-ti mai spun o data prin semne ca esti prost? Iti spun! Inauntru – ca a venit nevasta-mea sa-mi explice – era un aparat pentru slabit. Pentru slabit douazeci de kilograme pe luna, garantat. Daca nu functioneaza in sase luni, primesti banii inapoi. O iau eu pe nevasta-mea, tot prin semne: “Ia zi, fa, tu cite kile ai?”. “Pai”, spune ea, “sa tot am vreo optzeci, asa….”. “Si e bun aparatul asta, nu?”, fac eu. “Pai, da, garantat, sigur, asa mi-a zis”, face ea… “Si, ma rog, ai de gind sa-l probezi sase luni, sa vezi daca-i bun?”, fac eu. “Pai, eu asa zic”, face ea. “Si daca nu-i bun?”, fac eu. “Pai, daca nu-i bun, primesc banii inapoi. Da-i bun!”, face ea. “Ia calculeaza tu, fa, cite kile slabesti in sase luni… Scrie acolo asa”, fac eu, “douazeci kilograme per luna, de inmultit cu sase luni… egal… o suta douazeci de kilograaaame! Nu? Pai tu, la optzeci, inseamna ca dispari de tot dupa patru luni, proasta naibii!”, fac eu prin semne. “Nu da, barbate, nu da, ca poate nu-i bun si ne da banii inapoi, alea cinci milioane care le-am luat din burlan!” a inceput ea a racni. Cind am auzit eu de banii din burlan, pastrati pentru vinul de Sarbatori, am luat-o la fuga prin casa, sa arunc cu aparatul de slabit dupa ea. Ei, si asa mi-a venit si vorbitul, si auzul…

- Da’ de ce, era bun aparatul la asa ceva?

- Ei, rahat! Cum fugeam dupa ea m-am impiedicat de motan, care iesise de sub pat, si mi-am scapat aparatul in cap!

- Asa-i, am vazut eu un documentar despre loviturile care afecteaza anumiti centri nervosi! striga baba, victorioasa, aparind de pe culoar. Era cam botita si avea multe gize lipite pe frunte. Avusei mare noroc, maica, de mi se agatara broboadili in use, pacatili mele! mai spuse ea, cautind din priviri sacosa cu cas.

O inaugurare de pod reparat dupa inundatii si, pe aceeasi tema, o poveste din vremea potopului: povestea Arcei lui Nae, pe care au pus stapinire marmotele.

Trenul personal 89890 mergea usurel, scirtiind si clatinindu-se ca un betiv, deoarece podul care lega doua provincii istorice ale patriei tocmai fusese dat in folosinta pentru a treia oara intr-o luna, cu sarbatoare si mare pompa. Ar fi fost nevoie, ce-i drept, pe perioada lucrarilor, de mai multe pompe mari, sa scoata apa, dar nu s-a gasit in tot judetul decit o firma de pompe funebre – care a si asigurat, de altfel, fanfara si coroanele pentru marea inaugurare. Podul arata, ce-i drept, ca unul inaugurat cu coroane pe ale caror panglici scria “Regrete eterne”; prin urmare, trenul incetini si chiar se opri de-a binelea, la semnalul unor muncitori care jucau septica stind cu fundul pe sine.

- Saracii oameni, ofta un domn de la oras, imbracat ca mortul, cu pantofi de lac, costum, vesta si cravata, cum a venit apa si le-a luat totul, cum au ramas ei fara casa, fara gospodarii…

- Cert! Apa nu-i buna nici in casa, nici in vin! fu de acord calatorul din fata, in vreme ce se chinuia cu un stilou sa infunde dopul intr-o sticla. Da’ la astia de pe-aci nu li s-a facut prea mare paguba, totusi, se poate spune ca au avut noroc. Au avut noroc, ca tot ce era de luat a fost luat inca din primavara trecuta, cu dezghetul. Acum, cind a dat apa din nou, n-a mai apucat sa ia decit o delegatie de la minister – ca venisera domnii aia cu cizme de cauciuc noi, cu carnetele si pixuri in miini, si cascau gura, sa-i deie la televizor. N-au auzit cum venea de la munte, n-au auzit vuietul, ca vorbeau toti la ziaristi, era galagie… Asa le-o fi fost scris, ispravi cetateanul, incercind sa-si scoata din sticla stiloul, a carui cerneala albastrise deja vinul de regiune. „La’ ca-i bun si-asa, colorat!”, mai zise el.

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Mosul de la geam statuse pina atunci nemiscat, tinind in poala cu tandrete, ca pe o iubita, un sac cu varza. Tusi usurel, apoi spuse:

- Asta-i o caca-maca, feciorii mosului, iertati cacofonia. Nu stiti ce-a fost la noi in sat, de un exemplu, si chiar ca nici n-aveti de unde sti, ca s-a intimplat si s-a uitat. La noi in sat, dupa cum va spuneam, a fost intr-adevar treaba serioasa…

- Ce treaba, mosule? Hai, spune-ne si noua, nu ne mai tine pe jar, ca ne-ai facut curiosi! Vorba aia, trenul sta, stam si noi… Nu fi scirtar, ca dau o spirla! Cetateanul cu vinul – acum albastru pe la gura, de la cerneala – scormoni demonstrativ in mapa dupa inca o basica.

- Pai, incepu batrinul sa povesteasca, la noi in sat traieste unul, Nae. Mai hodorog ca mine, mai bosorog, dar in putere. Are casa, curte, gospodarie serioasa… In repetate rinduri, astea, casa si gospodaria lui Nae, au fost tare greu incercate de bunul Dumnezeu si de mama natura materialist-dialectica, el avind acareturile intr-o vale peste care da apa la fiecare ploaie. Dupa vreo – sa tot fie – jumatate de veac, batrinul Nae, mosul de care va spuneam, simtea ca il lua de la creier, fiindca se cam saturase – efectiv se saturase! – sa-si mai caute casa, gospodaria si membrii familiei prin satele din vale…

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- O fi avut o nevasta mai usarnica, nu?

- Demelza? Ti-ai gasit! Nici cu buldozerul n-o iei de la televizor. Ca si cu apele astea mari, de la munte… Pina sa apara la noi televizoarele, o gasea Nae infipta in mil, cu urechile in difuzor, la radio. Dupa aia, in primii ani, umbla sarmanul de nebun prin satele din vale, ca Vitoria Lipan, intrebind tot pe cine intilnea care ati vazut, poate-ati cunoscut un Grigorescu mare, pe lampi; stia ca unde e Grigorescu, e si Demelza. Mai incoace, in ultimii ani de pe vremea lui Ceausescu, nu se prea dadea program la televizor, da’ nici mari viituri n-au prea fost, deci a scapat. Ei, de cind cu democratia, programele, telenovelele, mereu se intimpla s-o ia apa…

- Si?

- Si matale nu te-ai satura sa iti tot faci din nou casa la fiecare inundatie? Campanie electorala nu-i decit la patru ani, sa vina sa-ti dea termopane, gresie, chestii… Deci, Nae s-a saturat. Cind a aflat de la buletinul meteo ca urmeaza o perioada cu precipitatii care vor depasi multi litri pe metru patrat, iar vintul va sufla cu putere din sector nord-estic, si-a scuipat in palme si s-a apucat sa-si faca o casa noua. In forma de barca. O arca, mai exact. Materiale de constructie, scinduri, leaturi, latunoaie, avea destule, fiindca apa aducea mereu in fosta lui ograda bucati din casele altor gospodari domiciliati mai in amonte, cum se spune. Ei, si a muncit mos Nae, s-a spetit, de ridea toata lumea din sat: “Ha-ha, matale dai ca prostu’ la ciocan, in loc sa vii cu noi la bufet, sa dai de baut. Mai stai, bre, ca vin fraierii aia, sa faca pentru noi!”.

- Si mosul? Mosul ce facea?

- Mosul? Mosul, ca mosul, tacea si lucra. Din cind in cind, mai fuma cite-o tigara si se uita la arca lui, cum prinde forma. Si, cind a prins forma de tot, cind a devenit, sa-i spun asa, locuibila, dotata cu tot confortul, a inceput si ploaia. O ploaie din aia, cu bolboroci… Ei, atunci, mosul Nae a inceput sa-si adune familia, sa o bage in barca. Si atunci a vazut ca nu-i ajunge spatiul locativ, fiindca facuse toata sandramaua dupa o schema dintr-o revista veche, Tehnium sau Minitehnicus sau asa ceva, era pentru pionieri din aia, mici de statura. Deci, a inceput sa se gindeasca pe cine ia in barca si pe cine nu…

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- Si pe cine a luat si pe cine nu? intrebara cei din compartiment, printre care si baba cu casul.

- Babo, ma scutesti? Nu esti aia de-au aruncat-o unii pe geam din mers si tot s-a intors ca bumerangul?

- Eu! Dupa citeva clipe se auzi din nou geamul deschizindu-se, apoi niste voci care strigau “Hei-rrrrup! Hei-rup! Un’, doi, trei, si!”.

- Pai, in arca, Noe a luat-o pe nevasta, continua batrinul. Cu tot cu televizor, fiindca nu mergeau decit impreuna. La inceput a vrut sa ia doar televizorul, dar fiara il tinea cu ghearele. Si-a mai luat copiii – desi, la o adica, s-ar fi simtit in stare sa faca altii, apoi a trecut la lucruri serioase…

- Bine, mosule, da’ ce poate fi mai serios decit familia, in situatii din astea?

- Pai, in situatii din astea, mai serioasa decit familia poate fi vaca, de exemplu. Vaca, fiindca da lapte in fiecare dimineata, ceea ce familia nu da. Dar iata ca si vaca lui Nae s-a comportat ca vaca, fiindca se uitase si ea prea mult la seriale, la reclame, deci a simtit ea ca e indispensabila, deci a zis ca nu urca pe vas, in arca, decit cu marmota ei preferata, care sa-i faca masaj…

- Ahaaaa! Ca la televizor, adica!

- Exact. Intre timp, Nae isi adusese pe barca oile si berbecul. Dintre oi, una era mai nazdravana, mai birsana, si i-a spus lui Nae: “Stapine, stapine, mai cheama si-un ciine!”. Nae, deci, si-a chemat un ciine, care a inceput a fugi dupa marmote sa le muste, si-o fi inchipuit ca-s mite altoite.

Muncitorii terminasera partida de septica si se ridicasera de pe sine, facind semn, asa ca trenul porni din nou, cu scirtiit specific, peste podul proaspat dat in folosinta. Cine privea pe geam in jos putea vedea urmele inundatiilor, maluri rascolite, pline de mil, de aragazuri si frigidere vechi, de anvelope uzate si de lemne pe care niste cetateni tocmai le incarcau in carute. Se mai vedeau niste copii scaldindu-se in pielea goala si aratindu-si pasarelele la calatori, doi-trei pescari plictisiti, citeva babe care frecau cu periile tot atitea covoare si un cetatean care isi spala masina la riu.

- Si?

- Si marmotele, mai vioaie, asa, au scapat de ciine, ca s-au urcat pe catarg, unde au si ramas, sa faca poante proaste. Din cinci in cinci minute se gasea cite o marmota sa-si duca labele streasina la ochi si sa strige “Pamiiiint!”, “Capitane Nae, ferea, ca vine icebergu’!” sau „Americaaa!”. Nae se enervase, si-a pus copiii sa traga in ele cu prastia, nimic. Dupa aia, a scos-o pe soacra-sa din cabina, ca sa bage in loc porcul cu scroafa.

- Calul, spune-ne, cum a bagat calul?

- Cu calul a mers mai usor, ca n-avea cal. Chiar le-a multumit in sinea lui alora care-l furasera cu o luna inainte, ca l-au scapat de belea. Copiii fusesera inchisi in cabina lor, sa nu faca prostii, nevasta statea pe canapea si se uita la televizor, chit ca n-aveau curent electric. Soacra fusese bagata intr-o cusca, impreuna cu bibilicile, iepurasii de casa erau si ei pe undeva, iar Nae si-a dat seama ca pusese capra impreuna cu varza si ciinele cu pisica – soareci erau peste tot, pe arca! Si-a zis ca lasa, cum o da Dumnezeu, apoi s-a enervat ca nu putea inghesui pe nicaieri curcanul, deci l-a taiat si l-a mincat la el in livada, unde avea cuptor humuit…

- Si?

- Si cind l-a scos din cuptor mirosea asa de frumos, ca imediat a aparut vecinul lui Nae, dom’ Relu, cu un bidonas de vin. Ei, si din vorba-n vorba, una-alta, multani-multani, au plecat impreuna pina in deal, la un var de-al lui Relu, si s-au intins la sprituri pina dimineata. Dimineata s-a auzit un vuiet mare, asa, si cind s-a intors Nae acasa sa vada ce-i, cu capul umflat de la vin, ia arca de unde nu-i! Arca si caciula, cum se mai spune… Venise viitura de la munte si o luase. O luase, cu tot cu animale, soacra, copii, nevasta si televizor…

- Iar Nae, batrinul Nae ce-a facut? Toti calatorii din compartiment si de pe hol stateau cu urechile ciulite.

- Nae este fericit acum, viata a capatat un sens nou pentru el. S-a pensionat, s-a mutat intr-o casa noua, o vila de la munte, a unui parlamentar, ministru, ceva, pe care apa a adus-o intreaga si a lasat-o exact in ograda lui…

- Si cu vaporul, cu arca lui Nae, ce s-a intimplat?

- Pai, despre vapor, arca lui Nae, circula vorbe. Niste marinari, batrini lupi de mare, care mai vin pe la noi prin sat sa vinda blugi, aparatura electrocasnica ieftina si tigari fara timbru, povesteau ca au intilnit pe oceanele lumii, in diverse zone gografice, un vas fantoma. Un fel de corabie din lemne prost incleiate, care pluteste in deriva. Unii au intilnit-o pe la Capul Horn, altii au vazut-o in Strimtoarea Magellan sau printre ghetari si s-au inspaimintat, fiindca din ea, din corabia fantoma, se auzea de fiecare data un tinguit lugubru, asa, o voce care striga ceva, “Serialuuuu-uuu! Cind incepe serialuuuuu-uuu-uuu?!”.

Se porneste de la niste simple pete rosii, se colinda toate crismele la rind, chiar de mai multe ori, apoi se ajunge in halul acela la marea privatizare.

De la plecare, locomotiva suierase doar o data, de proba. Nu era nevoie: orice surd, mut, fara vaz, fara miros, fara oricare alt simt – incluzind simtul proprietatii, cel al umorului, simtul masurii sau bunul simt – si-ar fi dat seama si fara tignal ca trece trenul. Galagia pe care o faceau vrednicii si veselii calatori, clinchetul si gilgiitul dinauntru, se auzeau mai ceva ca un glas de sirena. In plus, toate scirtiiau ingrozitor – nu doar la curbe, la rampe, sau la coborire, ci chiar in timpul stationarii. Scirtiiau in general, din pricina sinelor montate in pripa, cit si in particular, din cauza mesterilor care verificasera pe fuga garnitura, caci se grabeau la un chef. Fusese petrecerea de pensionare a batrinului maistru Nea Pandele, cel care formase de-a lungul deceniilor atitea si-atitea generatii de specialisti, si caruia ii venise in sfirsit vremea sa se odihneasca. Oficial, fusese o agapa colegiala, tovaraseasca, o petrecere frumoasa, instructiva, presarata cu concursuri pe teme din activitatea feroviarilor, un eveniment demn de tinut minte. In realitatea neoficiala, fusese un chef monstru, cu pahare sparte, dans pe cioburi si galagie. Concursurile pe teme din activitatea feroviara fusesera de baut bere prin fluierul sefului de gara direct din tolba controlorului, de compostat felii de salam si cascaval afumat cu clestele de bilete sau de nimerit cu cascheta luminarile de pe tort.

Cu ocazia asta, trebuie amintit ca mesterii cofetari s-au intrecut pe ei insisi la tortul respectiv, in forma de locomotiva cu aburi Pacific din ciocolata, avind osii si boghiuri din caramel si stind pe sine din bezea cu traverse de vanilie. Din cosul locomotivei iesea fum din vata de zahar, iar alaturi, pe peronul din blat de napolitana, un mic feroviar din martipan lovea cu un ciocanel minuscul o osie a tortului, in vreme ce mai la dos, un mic calator oferea pe sest o miniaturala bancnota unui controlor micut – toate, de asemenea, din martipan frumos colorat cu vopsele chimice.

La petrecerea de care spuneam a fost atita veselie, incit insusi domnul director al regionalei s-a imbatat lemn si a cazut cu cotul in tort, stricindu-i cazanul si cosurile. La un moment dat, sarbatoritul, proaspatul pensionar Nea Pandele, a inchinat un pahar in cinstea mesenilor si a marturisit ca in fiecare zi, an de an, a izbit cu ciocanul in osiile vagoanelor fiindca asa i se spusese pe cind era ucenic, dar ca nici acum, dupa o viata de munca, habar n-are de ce a facut-o, fiindca, in opinia lui, rotile pareau bine lipite si n-aveau nevoie sa mai fie ciocanite.

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Pe o distanta de citiva metri, calea ferata arata ca vai de ea: in curgerea fireasca a anotimpurilor se dilatase de la caldura, se contractase de la ger, iar niste cetateni de prin partile locului reusisera intr-o noapte sa completeze opera distructiva a naturii, scotind buloanele si tragind de sine, sa le incarce in caruta si sa le vinda la fier vechi. Din fericire, pentru a duce treaba pina la capat era nevoie chiar de munca, iar respectivilor li se facuse lene pina si sa fure, deci au renuntat. Iata de ce, pe acea distanta de citiva metri, trenul personal 89890 s-a zguduit ca o caruta plina cu pepeni scapata la vale pe un drum desfundat de tara. Si iata de ce un domn durduliu si frumos imbracat, care mergea la o nunta, si-a varsat pe camasa alba toata cafeaua din termos…

- Iaca, pozna, c-a varsat-o! constata sec nasul Jenica. Da’ nu face sa va intristati, domnu’, pentru o camasa. Se duce cu apa rece si nitel detergent.

- Se duce pe naiba! Nimic nu se duce! Ingaduiti-mi sa zic ca am, daca pot spune asa, o bogata experienta in domeniul petelor. Cel care vorbise era un domn intre doua virste, care pina atunci statuse linistit pe locul sau, prefacindu-se ca motaie.

- Matale esti vinzator de detergent? Fabricant de lesie?

- Eu? Sint – mai bine zis, am fost – inginer, am terminat si eu o politehnica. Nu mai tin minte care, ca a trecut vreme.

- Si cu petele, care-i legatura?

- Pai este. Deci, incepu fostul inginer, cu ani in urma, eram in fabrica, in intreprindere, cind am luat o pauza mica, de-am mers cu baietii, ca baietii, la o terasuta din apropiere. Terasa, intima, in curtea omului – a micului intreprinzator particular cu libera initiativa. Deci, frumos, umbrar din vita de vie, struguri copti deasupra, o placere! Si stateam eu cu baietii asa, la o masuta, si faceam calcule, cit cheltuim noi pe bautura. Am pus, pe zi, zece beri, trei vodci mari cu sucurile lor, patru sferturi de vin si ce-o mai fi, de la caz la caz, functie de anotimp si dispozitia omului, ca difera. Si-am ajuns la cam o treime din salariul mediu pe economie, asa, cam cit o pensie mica.

- Si v-ati intrebat ce lucruri utile ati fi putut sa va cumparati din banii astia pentru familie, pentru casa, nu? interveni moralizatoare o doamna care croseta si din miinile careia iesea un fel de mileu cu lebede.

- Vezi-ti de ciorapul tau, duduie! Deci, dupa doua ore, uitasem de la ce-am pornit, aveam in minte doar suma – vreo doua milioane, la banii de atunci – si ne gindeam la cit am putea bea intr-o luna din banii astia. Da’ nu asta-i treaba, ci faptul ca de la un moment dat am inceput sa simtim ceva umed si lipicios pe spate. Ce sa fie, ce sa fie? Ma uit mai bine la Gica – tocmai se ridicase sa mearga la veceu – si vad ca avea spatele rosu. Ma uit la nea Fane, la batrinul mester: era si el rosu pe spate, incepind de la basca in jos. Ceilalti, la fel. Ei, atunci am inceput noi sa ne intrebam, sa ne punem probleme, ce-o fi, ce s-o fi intimplat, ca una, ca alta, ca poate or fi lipitori – dar de unde lipitori in bufet, in curtea omului?

Gica, cica e lepra, ne-am molipsit toti de lepra si ne cade pielea. Zic eu “Bai, boule, lepra nu vine asa, hodoronc-tronc, hopa-hopa, acu’ ai pielea si peste doua ceasuri pica!”. Ma uit eu mai bine, analizez, miros, imi fac curaj si-l pun pe nea Fane sa guste pata. El, cum era nitel facut, cherchelit, asa, pune limba pe basca. O mai pune o data, si inca o data, dupa care ramine cu basca-n gura. Zic: “Bai, sfirla! Nea Fane, ho, ce-ai patit? Scoate, ma, basca din gura, n-auzi?”. Gica, cica: “Or fi chimicale de-alea de nimicire in masa, nu vedeti c-a ramas bietul om paralizat?”.

Deci, nea Fane suge ce suge, termina de supt, scoate basca din gura si zice: “Ba, fraierilor, asta rosu ii must, ii suc de la strugurii de deasupra! E bun, puterea voinicului!”. Ma uit mai bine, avea dreptate. V-am zis ca stateam sub umbrar, care era din vita de vie, ciorchinii mari, nimeni sa-i culeaga, se copsesera si curgea din ei ca din teava. Curgea must rosu, din ala, care pateaza si care se duce numai cu foarfeca…

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- Ati vazut ce se-ntimpla? Daca nu mergeati la baut si stateati in fabrica, sa munciti, nu pateati nimic! se baga din nou doamna, inainte ca doi calatori enervati sa-i indese mileul calus in gura si sa o lege cu firele din ghem.

- Deci, continua povestea inginerul, stateam noi asa si ne uitam unul la altul, ce fete aveam. Gica, cica: “Mai, nea Fane, ma uit la tine cum stai cu basca asta colorata pe cap, om batrin, da’ parc-ai fi Scufita Rosie”. Nea Fane, fleosc! ii varsa halba in cap lui Gica si erau sa se ia la pumni, dar i-am despartit eu, ca mai baieti, cu voi doi vorbesc, deci, la orele saispe zero zero fix, punct, avem sedinta cu dom’ director, vin investitori straini, una-alta, nu ne putem arata asa, vopsiti, cu mustu-n freza la propriu, haideti sa facem ceva.

Gica, cica “ma, io am auzit ca vinu ros se duce dacit cu vin alb, prin frecare, adica ca sa se dizolve petele astea, colorantii, taninul, cum ar veni”. Booon! Deci, mergem noi la patronul de la bar, sa cerem o sticla de vin alb de scos pete. Patronul face “Da’ de unde, ca n-am! Doar vermut, daca vreti, da’ e cam expirat, cam pute. Cu vodca, rachiu, ceva, nu merge? Incercati matale tuica asta de la tara: eu am dizolvat cu ea vopseaua neagra, cind mi-am antifonat masina!”.

Ei, atita chimie mai stiam si eu, sa fac diferenta dintre must si nemust. Deci, le-am zis baietilor ca haida, ridicam ancora, plecam sa cautam vin alb, sa ne curatam petele de rosu de pe haine…

- Si ati gasit, ati curatat? vru sa stie controlorul Jenica.

- Pai, linga intreprinderea noastra s-au inmultit si au crescut crismele, bufetele si bodegile, ca omizile. Ca, vorba aia, esti mic patron, ai ograda, spatiu comercial la vad bun, linga ditamai fabrica, mii de angajati insetati, nu te-apuci sa investesti sa faci biblioteca, sala de lectura, expozitie de arte plastice sau panarame din astea, de ascultat muzica de camera, cum ii zice… Si mergem noi, deci intram in prima, “Mitica Impex” dupa acte, da’ noi ii spuneam “La Mitilica”. Salut, salut, ca ne stiam cu toti patronii de crisme din jur, o sticla de vin alb, sefu’. Pai, n-avem alb, s-a terminat adineauri, ca a luat unu’ pentru acasa tot stocu’, are cumatrie. In cazul asta, la revedere. Cum, plecati asa repede, dom’ inginer? Da’ ma jigniti. Mai ales ca tocmai a schimbat baiatul butoiul, a bagat bere proaspata… Ei, zic eu, hai sa nu-l jignim pe domnul Mitica, deci raminem, pret de o bere proaspata, hai trei. Terminam, platim, salutam si iesim. Iesim cit sa intram din nou, peste drum, la “Romanita SRL”. Acolo, nea Vasile, patronul, ca “Alb n-avem, n-a venit cu marfa de la depozit, da’ ce bine c-ati picat, baieti, e ziua mea peste doua luni si ceva, hai ca fac cinste, n-aveam cu cine bea!”. Parca poti sa faci ceva pe cinstea omului… Deci, am ramas, ca a dat niste coniac cu eticheta straina, lucioasa. L-am terminat, salutari, multani, saru’mina doamnei, etcetera, cum e cazul, apoi mergem putin mai departe, “La sculer-matriterul grabit”, cum ii zicem noi. Nici acolo n-aveau vin alb, ca se sparsese butoiul din pivnita cu o noapte in urma, dar erau niste baieti de la noi din sectie cu care ne-am luat la discutii despre fotbal, asa ca am dat noi, au dat si ei…

- Ce-ati dat? V-ati luat la bataie, nu?

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- Eu am dat doua rinduri de aperitiv “Crisan”, iar ei, fiecare, ba un rind de “Glacial”, ba un spumos, ba un digestiv “Terente”, ba un aperitiv “Codrin”, ba un rind de “Incintarea”, ba un pahar de “Cozia”, ba o “Vesnica Pomenire” – ce mai, nu le tin minte pe toate, ca era o bogata gama de sortimente, ca sa-i spun asa. Dupa care plecam si luam la rind toate localurile. Ca un facut, dom’le, n-aveau pe nicaieri vin alb, dar in toate erau cunoscuti, colegi, prieteni, nu puteam trece pe linga ei asa, fara o vorba, deci am mai stat nitel si pe-acolo…

- Da’ in tot timpul asta nu va puteati duce acasa, sa va schimbati hainele? Un binevoitor ii baga din nou mileul in gura doamnei, care intre timp reusise sa-l scuipe pe jumatate si se bagase din nou in vorba.

- Pai, nu prea, ca la un moment dat il pierdusem pe nea Fane, care isi uitase basca intr-un cuier si pornise de capul lui prin toate crismele prin care fusesem deja, s-o caute. Normal ca a mai tras ceva si pe-acolo, iar noi la fel, ca am umblat dupa el, sa-l gasim. L-am gasit, era destul de flenduri, dormea cu capul pe masa, cu fata in scrumiera, l-am trezit si l-am dus cu rindul in circa la sedinta, cu domn’ director, ca se facuse deja saispe zero zero si zece.

- Si sedinta, pina la urma, cum a iesit sedinta?

- Pai, cind am intrat noi, sedinta incepuse. In sala de consiliu, toti in costume frumoase, de mort, cafele, sucuri, domnu’ director in picioare vorbea ceva, arata niste tabele cu sageti, strainii ascultau seriosi, luau notite… Deci, cind am intrat noi, s-a trintit usa de perete si s-a rupt clanta, ca se apasase nea Fane pe ea cind l-am scapat din circa. Gica, cica “Noroc, sefu’, uaaa! Bine ati venit, dragi… cum dracu’ le zice la musafiri, la oaspeti, pe limba lor? Lasa, nu conteaza… Tu ia vezi, ca te uiti cam urit la mine! Hai sa te pup, ca semeni cu bunicu-meu, cind era pe nasalie!” si a scos o sticla de ceva din sin, de i-a bagat-o in gura la un domn, om de afaceri, investitor strain, manager, dracu’, creca japonez, ca era galben la fata. Intre timp, nea Fane se agatase cu gulerul de la salopeta in cuier si adormise, eu ma uitam si rideam de ce vedeam, vedeam dublu, triplu, iar dintre oaspeti, doi sau patru sau sase lesinasera inca de cind ne-au vazut intrind asa, rosii pe cap si pe haine si bine facuti, chercheliti. Domnu’ director plingea intr-un colt si se intepa cu pixul la cureaua ceasului, vroia sa-si taie venele… Normal, n-are rost sa mai explic, nici macar lichidarea nu ne-au mai dat-o, nu ne-au mai primit nici sa ne luam lucrurile personale, fesul, sahul, tablele, astea. Domnu’ director e si acum la spital, la pavilionul de barbati, e cuminte si linistit, asa, numai cind vede ceva rosu face crize si trebuie sa-l lege…

- Iar cu intreprinderea, cu intreprinderea, ce s-a intimplat?

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- Pai, ce se intimpla de obicei in cazuri din astea. Fara investitori – ca aia, normal, au plecat, au fugit cit colo – a dat faliment, apoi a venit un domn parlamentar, a cumparat-o ieftin, pe nimica, si a facut din ea combinat. Produce bauturi, vin alb mai ales. Gica s-a angajat acolo cu identitate falsa, acum e sef de sectie. Cit despre nea Fane, a ramas tot rosu pe cap si pe haine, da’ am auzit ca ii merge bine, il angajeaza cu ziua ba pe post de Mos Craciun, ba figurant prin filme western, in rol de piele-rosie.

Aici se va vedea ca nu se vede mai nimic, fiind intuneric. Pe linga luminita de la capatul tunelului apare si un copil necunoscut…

In urma trenului care inainta, scirtiind, se intindea o dira din mirosuri amestecate: fum de tigara, rachiu, biogaze, toba, salam, ceapa, usturoi si bere acrita. O vaca baltata si murdara astepta, rizind cu gura pina la urechi, in spatele unei bariere, fiind urmata de citva masini prafuite, cu soferi plictisiti, iar in departare doi cetateni se fugareau cu topoarele (*). Niste copii de pe marginea caii ferate trasera cu prastia in vagonul restaurant, motiv pentru care o piatra cit un ou trecu printr-un geam si sparse paharul domnului Cezarica Parfenie. Acesta se uita in cu totul alta parte si nu vazu piatra, ci doar dezastrul de pe masa; il banui pe un comesean care statea in fata lui si minca un merluciu proaspat decongelat. Tocmai se pregatea sa-i traga o palma peste crestet, cind se facu, deodata, bezna: personalul 89890 intrase in tunel…

Pe toata intinderea cimpiei se ridica un delusor, unul singur, atit de singur si de nelalocul sau in peisaj, incit parea facut de mina omului. Prin el trecea calea ferata si, mai mult decit atit, il strapungea nu de-a latul, ci in toata lungimea lui. Pentru vrednicii constructori ai caii ferate ar fi fost mult mai simplu sa-l ocoleasca, dar in stinga se intindea o vie cu soiuri productive, iar in dreapta cresteau niste pruni din care se facea o tuica renumita in intreg judetul. Prin urmare, cu gindul la recoltele viitoare, lucratorii drumului de fier au preferat s-o ia de-a dreptul prin deal. Era un tunel nu prea lung, nici foarte larg, dar suficient pentru a scufunda un tren intreg in bezna vreme de citeva clipe…

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(*) – Vezi coperta volumului „Vaca la bariera” de acelasi autor, aparuta in 2003 si ilustrata tot de Jup

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Dupa citeva clipe garnitura iesi din tunel la fel de repede cum intrase, iar in tren se facu lumina la fel de repede cum se facuse intuneric, asadar peste tot se puteau zari calatori surprinsi in pozitiile in care se aflasera cu o secunda inainte. Prin colturi se stringeau de git reciproc, cu ochii bulbucati, un stelist cu un dinamovist, un rocker cu un manelist, un comunist cu un anticomunist, un corupt cu un anticorupt, o materie cu o antimaterie, un patic cu un antipatic, un dot cu un antidot, un contribuabil cu o doamna de la Administratia Financiara, un parlamentar de la putere cu unul din opozitie, un ciine cu un motan, un carnivor cu un lacto-vegetarian, un plus cu un minus, un nord cu un sud, un alb cu un negru, un analog cu un digital etc. Tot la fel – dar ceva mai incolo, ca era mai mult loc liber! – se bateau noul cu vechiul, sacrul cu profanul, agonia cu extazul, staticul cu dinamicul, columbofilul cu columbofobul, zoofilul cu zoofobul, Tom cu Jerry, capra cu varza si Costel Turture cu vecinul sau, Ilie Prastie. Mai mult: o mama isi batea copilul, care facuse pe el!

Domnul Aurel Cimpoi, mozaicar-taragotist, care facuse o confuzie pe intuneric, mingiia obrazul aspru al unui mos necunoscut, ivit din bezna intre el si tinara blonda de la geam. Un tinerel bronzat tinea in mina un portofel strain, iar barmanul Tudorel Masura, ca o statuie de havuz, turna intr-un paharel de cincizeci toata bautura dintr-o sticla mare, de un litru. Spatiile goale din rafturile frumos aranjate in spatele tejghelei de la bar dovedeau ca nici un tunel nu este destul de scurt pentru niste calatori cu sete mare si mina iute…

Dupa citeva clipe pupilele se contractara la loc, iar ochii tuturor calatorilor, obisnuiti din nou cu lumina, priveau curiosi in jur. Ochii calatorilor din compartimentul opt priveau curiosi spre un baietel necunoscut, tuns chilug si murdar sub nas, aparut de nu se stie unde, care tocmai sarea cu picioarele pe bancheta, facind vinilinul sa scirtiie.

- Puisor, fii cuminte, astimpara-te ca te spun la parintii tai. Chiar, stimati colegi de calatorie, dragi tovarasi pasageri, al cui o fi minorul acesta, aici de fata, ca nu l-am mai vazut pina acum? intreba domnul Sisoe Postavaru, atent ca nu cumva sa-i cada in cap copilul. Daca-i al dumneavoastra, stimata doamna, draga tovarasa, atunci sa va fie rusine ca n-ati stiut sa-l educati pina la virsta asta, sa-i oferiti cei sapte ani de-acasa!

Puisorul sari inca o data, mai tare, drept in bratele domnului Sisoe Postavaru, isi incolaci minutele murdare in jurul gitului sau, il pupa pe obraz lasindu-i niste urme ca de melc pe oglinda, apoi ii striga la ureche:

- Taticuleee!

Stimata doamna, draga tovarasa, se intoarse pufnind catre Sisoe:

- Pfui! Cine vorbea de educatie! Tata denaturat! Domnul Postavaru ramase blocat, iar micutul, profitind de pauza, se repezi la doamna, strigindu-i:

- Taticuleee! De emotie, doamna stranuta.

Capitol din care reiese ca nu sintem singuri in Univers. Si ca, din cind in cind, mai din intimplare, mai din prostie, se petrec chiar si intilniri de gradul IV.

Cind Zbiqx-49 a gresit pentru a treia oara saltul spatio-temporal, colegii de birou au fost de parere ca are nevoie de citeva zile libere sau chiar sa-si ia tot concediul de odihna. Prima data cind a incercat sa se teleporteze pe Terra – aceasta albastra, atragatoare, ciudata si necunoscuta planeta dintr-un indepartat sistem solar – a nimerit intr-o berarie plina de fum si de betivi; fiindca era nou-venit, a fost oarecum obligat sa dea macar un rind la toata lumea si, fiindca n-avea bani paminteni la el, citiva cetateni au considerat de cuviinta sa-i ia combinezonul spatial si sa-l vinda unor negustori ambulanti de vechituri. A fost nevoie de interventia unei echipe speciale, care sa-l recupereze pe Zbiqx-49 si sa-l aduca, mai mult mort decit viu, in spatiul si timpul sau.

A doua oara, a cazut curentul exact in timp ce se teleporta, motiv pentru care a ajuns complet aiurea, intr-o postura neplacuta, pe un vapor mare, numit Titanic, care tocmai se scufunda. A plutit asa, sarmanul Zbiqx, vreo trei zile si trei nopti terriene incheiate, pina ce a fost pescuit si readus la baza. Cu toate ca nu fusese vina sa, seful i-a taiat 30 la suta din leafa pe doua rotatii complete ale planetei in jurul soarelui cel verde.

A treia oara, exact in vreme ce atomii sai se pregateau sa se recompuna intr-un alt loc din Univers, femeia de serviciu, roboata “Marcela 58 Lux”, a varsat cafeaua pe tabloul de comanda al aparatului, care s-a scurtcircuitat. De-abia dupa vreo saptamina, dupa ce s-a primit o masina de teleportat noua (care a trebuit montata si reparata, fiind in garantie), Zbiqx-49 a fost recuperat: era imbracat ciudat, privea fix intr-un punct, cu ochii rosii si umezi, avea niste paraziti mici, cafenii, care sareau mult si ciupeau groaznic, plus ca emana din toata fiinta sa un damf scirbos de compusi etilici. Citeva zile n-a mai dat pe la serviciu, iar in sectie incepuse chiar sa circule zvonul ca s-ar fi pensionat.

In ciuda zvonurilor, ca pentru a inchide toate gurile rauvoitorilor, Zbiqx s-a prezentat de dimineata, proaspat barbierit si parfumat, in biroul sefului cel mare, directorul Tirdea-96. Nu se stie ce a facut el acolo, dar dupa jumatate de ceas a iesit si s-a indreptat cu mers sigur si pas vioi spre aparatul de teleportat, pe care cineva pusese o pancarta cu textul in limbaj binar si in extraterestra populara “nu fit marlani si nu m-ai scuipat pe butuane ca va i-a mama naibi!”. Usa de la cabina se inchise, scirtiind, dupa Zbiqx-49, se auzi traditionalul biziit, ceva pirii, apoi hirii, altceva zumzai, din circuite iesi un fuioras de fum, iar viteazul calator spatio-temporal disparu cu vuiet…

*      *      *

Domnul Sisoe Postavaru se ridica in picioare, apasindu-l de crestet cu o mina pe copilul care tropaia si isi agita miinile prin aer ca palele unei mori de vint, incercind sa-l pocneasca sub centura, intr-o zona oarecum sensibila.

- Eu zic, dragi colegi de compartiment, ca n-avem nici unul dintre cei aflati aici vreo legatura cu tinarul si simpaticul nostru tovaras de calatorie. Cu siguranta, s-o fi ratacit de parintii lui si consider ca e de datoria noastra, a celor maturi, cu responsabilitati, din aceasta incapere, sa il inapoiem pe micut familiei sale. Cine este pentru, cine este contra? incheie domnul Postavaru, fost activist de partid cu functie de raspundere.

*      *      *

Zbiqx se trezise din clipa marii teleportari si, dupa cum invatase din deplasarile precedente, incepu sa se pipaie. Era intreg. In jur, nici bezna neagra, nici un ocean de H2O rece, nu erau nici ciini ciobanesti, nici consumatori, si nimeni nu parea ca vrea sa-i traga vreo bita peste cap. Mai mult: se afla intr-o cabina aproape la fel ca a aparatului de teleportat. Avea un fel de scaunel in forma de pilnie, ispravit cu o gaura neagra – pesemne, o poarta de intrare in alte lumi, care putea fi actionata cu pedala din podea. Rolul sulului de hirtie roz fixat in perete (*) ii era pe moment necunoscut, dar trecu peste asta, preferind sa cerceteze mai indeaproape usa cabinei, o usa care semana leit cu usa aparatului de teleportare, exceptie facind inscriptiile de pe ea, intr-o limba ciudata. Puse mina pe clanta si impinse.

- Taticuleeee! Micutul, care scapase din miinile domnului Sisoe Postavaru, trecuse ca o tornada pe holul vagonului, calcind peste geamantane, speriind purcelul din sacul unui mosneag, izbindu-se in calatori si indreptindu-se ca atras de un magnet spre veceul din capat. Usa acestuia se deschise si dinauntru iesi, primind in plin explozia de zburdalnicie copilareasca, un cetatean ciudat, cu aspect oarecum neobisnuit si pielea verzuie usor fosforescenta.

- Taticuleeee! Bratele micutului incolacisera gitul acestuia si nu pareau dispuse sa-si mai lase prada. Exploratorul dintr-o alta galaxie simti cum i se inmoaie membrele inferioare, in vreme ce copilul se zbuciuma si dadea din picioare ca un motan pe care vrei sa-l bagi intr-un cazan cu apa rece. Pina la urma, Zbiqx-49 ceda si se pravali pe spate, cu micutul deasupra.

_________________

(*) – Daca tot am convenit ca exista extraterestri, de ce nu putem accepta ca intr-un tren personal ar putea exista un sul de hirtie igienica roz, stratificata, pe care sa nu-l fure nimeni?

Tot ce urmeaza incepe cu un peisaj dezolant, apocaliptic, si se termina cu povestea unui porc de nimicire in masa sacrificat dupa norme europene.

Trenul personal 89890 incetini, caci tacanitul monoton al sinelor se transformase intr-un cloncanit lugubru. Lugubru era si peisajul care se derula, ca intr-un film de groaza cu peisaje lugubre, prin geamurile ingalbenite si pingarite de muste ale vagoanelor. Unde altadata cresteau copaci, acum se ridicau amenintatoare, catre cer, doar niste cioturi innegrite. Citeva caramizi murdare de fum se vedeau din marea de cenusa care inghitise, practic, orizontul. In respectiva cenusa se jucau cu rimele citiva copilasi balai, niste babe birfeau la un ciot ramas dintr-un gard, iar citiva betivi, si ei negri la fata, ciocneau bere neagra din cioburi fumurii de halbe.

- Doamne, iarta-ma, da’ ce-a fost aici? Ce s-o fi intimplat? intreba unul dintre pasageri, a cazut bomba atomica?

- Mai rau! Mosul responsabil de raspuns statea linistit pe bancheta si dezghioca o nuca.

- Poate fi mai rau? Da’ di undi stii matali? Zeci de perechi de ochi il fixau acum pe batrin, care lasa nuca si briceagul, ridicind privirea.

- Pai, totul a inceput de Ignat, cind se taie – cine are; cine nu, nu – porcul. Deci, cum se pregatea asa lumea din sat – satul ala, care ar fi trebuit sa se vada pe geam, dar nu se prea mai vede – sa ascuta cutitele, sa spele lighene, galeti, sa aduca paie, una-alta, vine primarul Ghita Cotofei si zice: “Ba, populatie, localnici, ia, urechea pilnie la suptsemnatul! Se-aude? Deci, de-acum intram in aia, cum ii zice, Europa. Deci, este norme speciale de taiat porcinele, astea, porcii, deci, care nu le respecta il belesc ca pe berbec!”. Din vorba-n vorba, una, alta, aflam noi – noi, ca si eu sint din satul asta, care nu-l mai vedeti! – ca gata, nu mai merge cu cutitul la git, harsti-harsti! si singerete, mai, baiete, cum se zicea pe la noi. Cica porcul, ca-i si el om, fiinta, trebuie mai intii luat cu binisorul, gidilat, convins cu frumosul sa iasa din cotet, apoi trebuie anesteziat si sacrificat asa, mai cu talent, delicat, ca sa nu simta…

- Bine, bine, dar ce legatura are dezastrul asta cu porcul de care zici matale?

- Pai, are. Are, ho-hoooo! Ca si eu aveam un vecin, Istrate Timpoi, care avea la rindul lui un porc. Porcul, botezat Ghita, ca pe domnul primar… Vecinul asta al meu se cam speriase de domnul primar Ghita, de amenintari, mai ales ca era si banuit ca detinea in ograda gaini bolnave de gripa, deci s-a conformat. Au scos animalul din cotet, l-au legat bine cu funii, el cu nevasta-sa si cu rudele, sa nu se smuceasca, si s-au gindit sa-l adoarma. Cum sa-l adoarma, cum sa-l adoarma? Pai, nu le-a trecut prin cap altceva mai bun decit sa aduca din casa butelia de la aragaz, cu furtunul. Cica au vazut ei mai demult la televizor un documentar despre executiile prin gazare la americani si chiar s-au mirat cit de linistit murise condamnatul.

- Bine, si? Si ce s-a intimplat?

- Pai, s-a intimplat ca au infipt furtunul in gura porcului si au dat drumul la robinet. Crestea porcul, Ghita, crestea si se umfla, asa, ca Fat-Frumos, intr-un minut cit altii intr-un an. Crestea fara laturi, fara tarite, fara graunte. S-a ispravit butelia, au adus alta de prin vecini, apoi inca una si inca una. Pina la sfirsit, in Ghita intrase gazul din vreo cinci butelii mari.

- Da, bine, dar ce legatura au porcul Ghita, vecinul matale si primarul Cotofei cu dezastrul din jur?

*         *         *

- Pai, au, rosti mosul, care intre timp sculptase cu briceagul, in coaja de nuca, celebra scena a atacului de la Smirdan. Au, ca astia, cit a durat treaba cu gazul, cu umflatul porcului, s-au imbatat de bucurie. Si, la un moment dat, a iesit din casa cumnatul lui vecinul meu, cu lampa de benzina, a aprins-o si a apropiat-o de Ghita, sa-l pirleasca pe la rit. Ei, din cite se vede, pe acolo cam scapa gazul…

Un bal mascat nu reprezinta intotdeauna chiar un eveniment fericit, mai ales cind alegerea costumelor nu este chiar cea mai fericita.

Cind Marinica Viezure a iesit din casa, citeva zeci de ochi l-au urmarit pe geamuri indepartindu-se, iar una dintre vecinele curioase si-a facut trei cruci largi si a aprins candela. Sa nu dea bani pe masina, la ia-ma, nene, Marinica a asteptat o ora in halta – avea abonament de personal, ca navetist ce era – timp in care sotia Eugenia a plins de rusine, iar copiii s-au luat la bataie cu alti micuti, care trasesera in ei cu prastia si ii poreclisera. In aceeasi statie CFR a aparut si Aurel Septica, vecinul si colegul de munca al lui Viezure. Si el parea peste masura de nervos, iar nevasta-sa se tinea mai departe pe peron, prefacindu-se ca nu-l cunoaste.

Cind a oprit trenul, nasul Jenica nici n-a vrut sa le deschida usa la inceput, motivind ca se sperie ceilalti calatori; a cedat, totusi, la insistentele doamnelor, care plingeau si amenintau ca se arunca sub roti, sa le taie vagonul daca nu le ia mai repede din acea halta nenorocita, in care se strinsese lumea ca la bilci sa se uite la ei, iar unii mai indrazneti ii fluierau si chiar indrazneau sa-i pipaie.

*         *         *

Pentru onomastica domnului director, conducerea Intreprinderii de Componente si Subansambluri pentru Perne din Burete a decis sa organizeze ceva original, ceva de care angajatii sa-si aduca aminte peste ani si ani. Secretara Valerica Brotacel a facut citeva duzini de cafele si a golit de vreo zece ori scrumierele din sala de consiliu in care se cautau idei. Pe motiv de usa grea, capitonata, directoriala, nimeni n-a auzit care au fost exact aceste idei, cine le-a propus si cine le-a refuzat; cu siguranta fusesera idei proaste, deoarece singura acceptata in unanimitate a apartinut insusi domnului director. Asa se face ca in aceeasi zi, la panoul de pe hol, linga pozele fruntasilor si codasilor in productie, a aparut un anunt scos la imprimanta pe hirtie roz, cu antet si o floare desenata cu carioca si semanind cu o gogoasa: “Dragi colegi, stimati angajati, pentru a-l cinsti impreuna, prin ginduri si fapte, pe domnul director, sinteti invitati cu totii (inclusiv familiile!) in sala de mese a unitatii noastre fruntase. Carnaval! Bal mascat! Prezenta obligatorie! Penalizari pentru cine vine fara costum!”.

*         *         *

Asa se explica jena doamnelor Viezure si Septica, asa se explica protestele nasului Jenica si tot asa se explica aspectul celor doi, Marinica si Aurel. Ei au urcat primii in vagon tragindu-si nevestele cu niste miini care parca-parca ar fi dat drumul poverilor. Au urmat copiii.

Marinica Viezure era imbracat in ceea ce isi inchipuia el ca ar fi un costum de martian: un fel de cazan ruginit de rufe ii incingea mijlocul, pe brate si pe picioare avea niste bucati de burlan, iar deasupra isi pusese un glob pamintesc din carton, pentru uz didactic, imprumutat de la copiii sai, scolari. Ii decupase o gaura mai mare prin care isi bagase capul, apoi doua mai mici, rotunde si acoperite cu celofan rosu, prin care privea, iar intregul era uns cu vopsea argintie pentru sobe. Vopseaua putea de traznea si emana vapori toxici, in costum intrau albine si bondari, globul pamintesc argintiu se invirtea in jurul propriei axe, mutind ochii de martian cind la ceafa, cind peste umeri, iar robotul Marinica pe de-a-ntregul semana bine de tot cu un extraterestru cherchelit, care scirtiia, troncanea, mirosea urit, se clatina de la vinul consumat inainte de plecare, pentru curaj, si vorbea porcarii. Din cind in cind, isi mai pocnea cite un copil: avea doi, ambii imbracati in costume de strigoi croite din acelasi cearsaf. Primul strigoi mai pastra niste dantela pe la poale, iar al doilea avea nasturi la spate.

*         *         *

Micutul necunoscut din tren continua sa se zbata in bratele lui Zbiqx-49 si sa-l pupe, umplindu-l de bale lipicioase cu damf de caramele. Calatorul spatio-temporal se zbatea si el, intins pe linoleumul jegos, cind auzi un fel de scirtiit urmat de niste sunete nedefinite. Cu coada unui ochi apuca sa vada o silueta care ii paru oarecum familiara: costumul domnului Marinica semana destul de bine cu cele purtate de membrii echipelor speciale trimise dupa el de fiecare data cind o scrintea in calatoriile sale prin spatiu si timp. Simtindu-si salvarea aproape se napusti intr-acolo, cu tot cu copilul necunoscut legat in jurul gitului.

Globul pamintesc din carton de pe capul lui Marinica Viezure se intorsese cu fata la spate, deci cu ochii la ceafa, iar sarmanul om se izbea cu teasta de perete, asadar tocmai injura in clipa in care peste el se napusti un cetatean micut, ciudat si cam verzui, tinind la git un copil necunoscut, care racnea “Tataaaa! Taticuleeee!”.

Aurel Septica, vecin si coleg cu agresatul, dar imbracat intr-un fel de Fat-Frumos, cu niste indispensabili bleu flausati si purtind infipta in basca o pana din perna, sari sa-si elibereze tovarasul. In vagon se stirni invalmaseala: Zbiqx-49, cu copilul la git, il imbratisa pe Marinica Viezure, de care trageau pe de-o parte copiii proprii si nevasta-sa (imbracata intr-o rochie care putea fi atit de Ileana Cosinzeana, cit si de invitata la o cumatrie), iar de cealalta parte colegul Aurel Septica si familia acestuia (alcatuita din trei minori imbracati in spiridusi si o sotie mai mult dezbracata). Cind privitorii tocmai vroiau sa puna ramasag daca Marinica se rupe sau nu sub actiunea fortelor exercitate de cele doua tabere, forte care actionau asupra sa pe aceeasi directie, dar in sensuri opuse, intregul vagon fu scaldat intr-o lumina orbitoare, dupa care se auzi un zumzet, iar intr-o clipa, din toata invalmaseala nu mai ramase nimic…

- He-he, ieri dormea pe prispa casii, azi s-o dus in… Fuse, fuse, si se duse! filosofa un mosneag dintr-un colt, care morfolea prune uscate, facind baloane. Dom’le, la ce nivel au ajuns astia cu teleportarile, he-he, mai ceva ca la televizor!

Contrar parerii unor experti, nu doar tonul face muzica; asta, cu conditia sa nu apara cumva neprevazutul, sub diversele sale aspecte.

Osiile vagoanelor scoteau sunete ciudate si diverse, desi trenul se oprise: in fata se intindea un defileu adinc, strajuit de doi pereti din granit, tari ca poporul roman si plini de inscriptii gen “Fane si Ramona”, “Georgel si Petronela”, „Stan si Bran” „Mos Ion Roata si Unirea”, „Acul si barosul” si altele de aceeasi teapa. Din ce in ce mai multi calatori, stringind cu teama la piept bagaje voluminoase, genti, saci, sape ori doar mape, se intrebau – mai intii in soapta, apoi cu glas tare – de ce anume sta trenul si, mai ales, de ce anume osiile vagoanelor scot sunete diverse de vreme ce trenul sta.

- Haida-hai, noroc, baieti! racni de linga locomotiva nea Costel. Era bucuros, era fericit: tocmai ispravise de ciocanit osiile vagoanelor. Din pricina caderilor de pietre si alunecarilor de teren putuse sa ciocaneasca vagoanele la osii dupa pofta inimii, fara sa respecte orarul. Fusese ucenicul lui Nea Pandele, pensionat nu demult, si se poate spune ca reusise sa-si depaseasca in talent maestrul. Tocmai ascultase cu deplina satisfactie acel “Do diez” al vagoanelor de clasa intii, “Re”-ul evident al vagonului-restaurant, pe care doar profanii l-ar fi putut confunda cu “Mi-bemol”-ul de la clasa a doua si, desigur, acel adevarat arpegiu scos de locomotiva. Costel putea deslusi dupa ureche daca un vagon era de productie autohtona sau nu si regreta scoaterea din circulatie a unor vechi garnituri fabricate pe la 1895, adevarate viori Stradivarius ale cailor ferate. Detinea acasa o impresionanta colectie de casete si compact-discuri cu sunete scoase de diverse osii de vagoane si locomotive; cind avea o dispozitie inaltatoare, solemna, asculta glasul clasic al unor vechi vagoane vieneze sau nemtesti, cind avea invitati mai tineri, cu gusturi mai moderne, mai comerciale, baga banda aia, cu TGV-ul francez, cu monorailurile japoneze sau, pe la sfirsitul chefurilor, cu “Sageata Albastra”, iar cind se imbata ca porcul isi punea un disc vechi si zgiriat, cu zgomotele scoase de osiile unor vagoane de marfa, de-ale noastre, vagoane de of si inima albastra. Costel devenise cu timpul un adevarat profesionist, un fin cunoscator.

In cazul locomotivei de care fusese atasat personalul 89890 – locomotiva care trebuia sa scoata un “Do-Mi-Sol-Do” curat, usor de folosit si la colindele de Craciun – se bagase pe undeva un bemol sau un diez, semn ca exista ceva care nu mergea chiar cum trebuie…

Nu doar la vinatoare conteaza de care parte a tevii te afli. Nea Costel isi retraieste intreaga viata, iar cea mai buna solutie pentru a scapa de probleme se dovedeste a fi teleportarea acestora in curtea vecinului.

Intre timp, Aurel Septica, Marinica Viezure (cu familiile lor), plus Zbiqx-49 si copilul necunoscut, atirnat la gitul sau, tocmai se descompusesera in particule elementare, urmind a se recompune la loc dupa incheierea saltului spatio-temporal. Din fericire, colegii de serviciu ai lui Zbiqx – care simtisera nereguli in datele transmise de microcipul implantat din nastere sub pielea acestuia (microcip care, in paralel, ii comanda purtatorului din cinci in cinci minute sa fie un cetatean model, multumit cu salariul minim pe economia galaxiei) – reusisera sa-l localizeze la timp si sa focalizeze pe el raza de teleportare, asadar il asteptau sa apara dintr-o clipa intr-alta. Din nefericire, ei nu stiau ca Zbiqx-49, colegul lor aflat pe drumul de intoarcere, nu venea singur…

*         *         *

Nea Costel, dupa cum spuneam, era nemultumit de un anumit sunet scos de o anumita osie, asadar isi aduse trusa si se baga sub tren ca un adevarat mester, culcat pe spate, pe o patura veche, desenata cu ursuleti. Trenul, bineinteles, statea in continuare, fiindca muncitorii nu eliberasera inca sinele de bolovanii cazuti peste ele, pentru simplul motiv ca plecasera.

Pe linga placutele cu traditionalul indemn “Nu va aplecati in afara!”, prin vagoane – mai precis, in doua anumite zone ale lor, situate la extremitati – se afla si altfel de placute. De la departare par la fel, dreptunghiulare, albe si smaltuite. De aproape, se vede ca pe ele scrie altceva. “A nu se folosi in timpul stationarii!” scrie pe ele, iar indemnul face referire nu la maneta semnalului de alarma, nu la sistemul de ventilatie sau de iluminat, ci la veceurile din vagoane. Acele constructii ingenioase si simple, cu o pedala care actioneaza o clapita. Acea clapita care, actionata de pedala, se indeparteaza, permitind curiosilor sa priveasca in jos, peste traverse. Unii au petrecut ore intregi privind prin gaurile veceurilor de vagon, atrasi de goana nebuna a peisajului de sub ei – restrins in mod nefericit de diametrul tevii.

Pentru cei cu suflet mai putin atras de reverie, veceurile de vagon au un rost mult mai prozaic si foarte bine definit, iar pentru cei cu probleme digestive, indemnul “A nu se folosi in timpul stationarii!” actioneaza intocmai ca, pentru un curios din fire, interdictia “Nu privi!”.

Domnul Ieremia Ciusca era un pragmatic suferind de nenumarate afectiuni digestive, care inainte de plecare – fusese condus la gara cu alai, de familie – se ghiftuise ca pentru ocolul Pamintului. Mincase mult si gras, slanina, caltabosi, cirnati, piftie, chisca, singerete, chiftele, sarmale, placinte, bause zdravan si amestecat, iar acum, natura isi spunea cuvintul. Trenul statea, dupa cum spuneam. Clatinindu-se, domnul Ieremia Ciusca se indrepta spre unul dintre capetele vagonului, privind in toate partile sa nu-l vada nimeni. Usa cu placuta “A nu se folosi in timpul stationarii!” se inchise scurt in urma sa…

*         *         *

Nea Costel descoperise in sfirsit de ce sunetul unei osii nu se incadra in corul colegelor: o piatra se intepenise la extremitatea unui vagon, o piatra colturoasa, care cobora nota cu aproape un semiton. Se intinse mai bine pe paturica, pe spate, cu fata in sus, tinind in fiecare mina cite un instrument de mare precizie. Deasupra sa, in dreptul capului, se afla un fel de cilindru, de teava ispravita cu o clapita. Desupra sa, dar ceva mai sus, se afla domnul Ieremia Ciusca. Era pe deplin satisfacut si tocmai se ridica. Dupa care, se uita in oglinda ingalbenita, incercind sa-si traga parul din dreapta peste chelia transpirata. Multumit de rezultat, se pregati sa iasa, privind spre pedala din pardoseala acoperita cu linoleum. De afara, rasuna o voce:

- Gata, breeee! Haida, calea ferata e curatata, puteti plecaaa!

De sub vagon, Nea Costel ruga:

- Macar un minut, un minutel mai asteptati, va rog, sa termin si eu!

*         *         *

Astroportul “Universul Liber” avea o zona separata, destinata teleportarilor. Aceasta era impartita in doua: prima parte era mai curata, dereticata zilnic si rezervata calatorilor straini si delegatiilor mai importante, venite de sus (vorba vine!). Inaltii oaspeti isi recombinau particulele elementare intr-un aparat de teleportat modern, de ultima generatie, chituit si vopsit cu grija in fiecare an si peste care roboatele de serviciu asterneau un cearsaf cind nu era pus in functiune. Pe peretii odaii de primire sclipeau pancarte holografice in mai multe limbi de circulatie intergalactica, inscriptionate cu traditionalele “Bine v-ati recombinat la noi, dragi oaspeti!”, respectiv “Teleportare placuta!”, de la caz la caz, iar un hol intreg era ocupat cu mici buticuri de suveniruri fara taxe vamale. Cu totul altfel arata insa zona destinata teleportarilor curente, de serviciu, ale personalului care facea naveta sau ale diversilor furnizori. Bancile salii de asteptare erau necapitonate, peretii zugraviti in ulei holografic verde erau murdari, usa de la toaleta nu se inchidea bine si scirtiia, pe singura pancarta scria mare “Nu scuipat pe jos!”, iar la chioscul de tigari si racoritoare se vindeau doar sfoara, creveti de pe Casiopeea si niste sucuri naturale suspecte, fabricate pe un satelit indepartat pe care nu crestea nici fir de planta. Acolo se aflau colegii de sectie ai lui Zbiqx-49, care priveau nerabdatori la aparatul de teleportat vechi, ruginit, energofag si cu vopseaua proaspat sarita…

*      *      *

In principiu, teleportarile sint cam ca gindul – adica iuti, inodore, insipide, incolore si nu fac galagie. Teleportarea colegului Zbiqx a inceput cu un fum albastru de la circuitele aparatului, fum mirosind a gratar de cirnati pe care cineva a pus la uscat niste sosete supraelastice, a continuat cu un zgiltiit, apoi cu un scirtiit, un biziit si citeva injuraturi de orbite, sateliti, ciristeu si diverse onomastice. Dupa care, usa cabinei de teleportare a sarit cit colo, scoasa din titini. Pe gresia cu coji de seminte a astroportului s-au pravalit, unul dupa altul sau pe perechi, Aurel Septica, Marinica Viezure, membrii familiilor lor, apoi Zbiqx-49, victorios, care cazu ultimul peste mormanul de trupuri terriene, racnind:

- M-am intors!

De gitul sau statea prins ca lipitoarea un copil pamintean necunoscut, tuns zero, julit in genunchi si murdar de muci la nas. In timpul teleportarii (un timp de ordinul nanosecundelor), micutul reusise sa scoata o creta dintr-un buzunar, cu care scrisese porcarii si desenase terriene goale pe peretii telecabinei, apoi scuipase pe butoane si, in fine, se cautase in sin dupa niste zarzare crude, pe care le mincase pina in clipa recompunerii in particule elementare, facind simburi pe jos. Doi dintre colegii de sectie ai lui Zbiqx-49, adunati sa il intimpine, lesinara…

*      *      *

Pe Terra, sub vagon, Nea Costel tragea cu ranga in piatra intepenita, care scotea scintei. Tot pe Terra, dar in vagon, deasupra lui Nea Costel, domnul Ieremia Ciusca isi terminase treaba, se pieptanase si se pregatea sa iasa din cabina. Privea la pedala de linga closet si se gindea daca sa apese sau nu. Locomotiva fluiera, taind linistea in doua, iar Nea Costel ingheta, inchipuindu-si trenul plecind in secunda urmatoare si trecind cu rotile peste el. Intr-o clipa, isi retrai intreaga viata: copilaria petrecuta la tara, jucindu-se printre oratanii de curte sub privirea unui batrin sfatos, bunicul sau, apoi primii ani de scoala, primele extemporale la aritmetica si citire, prima corigenta la chimie, vacantele petrecute in tabara de pionieri, cu colegii, apoi prima iubire, apoi a doua, apoi serviciul militar la fanfara garnizoanei, liberarea, ucenicia la atelier, primul loc de munca, apoi ziua in care s-a insurat, cea cind i s-a nascut primul copil, apoi seara aia, in care s-a imbatat cu colegii si a imprumutat unuia dintre ei, nu mai tinea minte cui, zece milioane, banii strinsi pentru centrala de apartament…

“Hopa, stai asa!” isi spuse el, devenind dintr-o data mult mai atent la filmul vietii sale, “acu’ vad exact cui i-am imprumutat banii!”. Imaginile ii jucau prin minte, se vazu la el acasa, cu un coleg, scotind fara stirea nevestei teancul de bani din sifonier si oferindu-l acestuia. In cadru, colegul statea cu spatele si purta basca, dar tocmai se pregatea sa se intoarca, sa-si arate fata.

In clipa aceea, simti o mina cum il trage de cracul pantalonului, iar filmul vietii se rupse brusc. Vru sa huiduie ca la cinematograf, cind se schimbau bobinele, dar mina il trase si mai tare, pina ce il scoase de sub vagon:

- Nea Costel, scoal’ bre, n-auzi? Fluiera astia, bre, hai, ca in jumatate de ora plecam! Nea Costel statea in fund, pe marginea caii ferate, si se uita la Jenica. L-ar fi strins de git cu bucurie, l-ar fi sugrumat de zece milioane la valoarea de atunci, bani de centrala. Sub vagon, pe locul de unde tocmai se ridicase, ceva cazu intre sine cu un pleoscait.

*      *      *

In biroul directorului astroportului, Tirdea-96, era sedinta. Zbiqx-49 fusese scos in fata colectivului si asezat pe un scaun, sa dea socoteala, in vreme ce pamintenii stateau inghesuiti intr-un colt, sub paza armata – nea Wirkqx-64, paznicul contractual, ii pazea cu un fazer vechi si ruginit, tip ZB, de pe vremea lui Pazvantqx, iar ei mincau seminte, scuipind cojile pe jos. Colegii lui Zbiqx nu si-ar fi dorit sa se afle in locul sau, dar nici in locul domnului director, deoarece sarmanul avea in jurul gitului, ca un colier, bratele subtiri si murdare ale unui copil terrian tuns chilug si mucos, care ii striga din cind in cind:

- Taticuleeee!

Poveste despre o cale ferata realizata pe jumatate. Pe jumatatea din stinga, mai exact. Cu toate astea, viata merge inainte, deoarece mai exista si alte mijloace de transport.

- Ce ne facem, dom’le, cu astia? Unde-i punem? Da-te, bre, lasa-ma, bisti d-aici, ca ma doare capul! intreba directorul Tirdea-96, in timp ce incerca sa-si jupoaie de la git copilul terrian, devenit din ce in ce mai nesuferit.

- Hai sa-i impaiem, dom’ director! isi dadu cu parerea un extraterestru scund si paros, cu un costum holografic nitel scamosat pe la revere. Ii impaiem si-i punem pe hol, la intrare, pentru cind ne mai aduc elevi cu clasa, in practica. Sa vada toti cum arata astia, de pe alte galaxii!

Adevarul era ca pamintenii, asa cum se prezentau ei in acel moment, imbracati cu totii pentru carnaval (iar barbatii chercheliti zdravan pe deasupra) reprezentau pentru oricare privitor tot atitea antireclame vii la turismul prin partile sistemului nostru solar.

- Sa te fi impaiat ma-ta, cind te-a clonat! Alte idei timpite ca tine mai ai? Vrei sa scrie iar ziarele prostii despre noi, ca atunci, cu imigrantii aia klingonieni? se enerva directorul.

Pe acea planeta indepartata copiii se obtineau in laboratoare speciale, prin clonare; totusi, citiva savanti contestati de multi locuitori reusisera in premiera obtinerea unui miel spatial printr-o metoda revolutionara, adica prin incrucisarea unui berbec cu o oaie, dar reusita a stirnit manifestatii de protest – mai ales ca mielul avea o fata cam bleaga, care aducea bine cu mutra unuia dintre ciobanasii galactici, Nechifor-21.

*      *      *

Trenul personal 89890 pornise de citeva minute, dar toti pasagerii se pregateau sa coboare. Se pregateau, fiindca mult nu mai era pina la punctul terminus, acolo unde calea ferata se ispravea – sau, mai bine zis, se termina pe jumatate.

Unii ar fi avut nevoie sa mearga mai departe, tot cu trenul, dar asta nu se putea: fosta conducere a Ministerului Transporturilor raportase ca planul – care prevedea montarea de cale ferata pe inca o suta de kilometri – fusese indeplinit, conform declaratiilor aparute si prin ziare, pe jumatate. 50 la suta! Asta dadea bine la o anumita parte a electoratului, dar realitatea era oarecum diferita: angajatii platiti cu ziua (si prost pe deasupra!), ca sa scape mai repede, intinsesera doar una dintre sine – cea din dreapta, cum mergi incolo, cale de o suta de kilometri, pina la primul orasel. Acolo, ei descoperisera bufetul „Scaietele”, unitate de deservire model, cu vestita sa ciorba de burta si un vin de regiune superior si ieftin. Bucatile din cealalta sina, cea din stinga, n-au mai fost montate, ci vindute in secret la diversi particulari, apoi transformate in diverse consumatii.

Prin urmare, doua localitati ale patriei noastre ramasesera legate intr-un mod foarte ciudat, iar niste domni din minister au incercat sa o scalde, declarind presei ca viitorul apartine trenurilor de tip monorail, care circula pe o singura sina, ca la japonezi. Nimeni nu i-a crezut, mai ales ca respectivii domni din minister erau aceiasi care, cu doi ani in urma, suspendasera citeva personale din zona pe motiv ca si japonezii folosesc trenuri suspendate. Noroc de matusa unuia dintre ei, proprietara unei firme de autobuze si maxi-taxi, care asigura de atunci incoace transportul de calatori pe respectivele rute…

*      *      *

- In concluzie, tuna directorul astroportului, Tirdea-96, asta e. Am holofonat si sus, la conducerea galaxiei: nu se poate! Ii facem pachet si ii trimitem acasa la ei. Ce-ar fi daca i-am tine printre noi pe toti nespalatii de pe alte planete? Au microbi, virusi straini, pun mina si strica, se joaca la butoane… S-a mai intimplat si prin alte galaxii, tot asa, au venit unii cu familiile lor, cica la cules. N-au mai scapat de ei pina azi, s-au inmultit si au devenit daunatori, ca maninca plasma de la televizoare. Asadar, la cabina de teleportare! Eu mai propun, ba chiar decid, sa-l trimitem si pe Zbiqx-49 cu ei, drept pedeapsa.

Totul este bine cind se termina. Oricum, nu se termina cum va imaginati dumneavoastra, asta e sigur!

Sinele de cale ferata tacaneau usor si monoton, in vreme ce trenul personal 89890 se apropia, frinind, de gara. Prin compartimente nu mai era nimeni, pasagerii lasasera locul ambalajelor, cojilor de seminte si celorlalte resturi. Toti se inghesuiau pe culoare sa coboare primii, iar un mos mic, cu itari, gumari si vata in urechi, care tragea dupa el un purcel viu, legat cu sfoara, incerca sa se bage in fata, motivind ca pierde avionul. Fu pocnit peste ceafa cu o basca. In sfirsit, trenul opri, scirtiind ca de obicei.

*      *      *

O gara de orice fel reprezinta un mic Univers, fiind mai reprezentativa pentru zona de bastina decit, sa zicem, un mare aeroport international. Intr-un mare aeroport international nu veti gasi babe adormite cu capul pe vreo gaina sau curca vie, copii care, iarna, sa se traga pe ghetusul din sala de asteptare sau navetisti jucind septica pe fundul sepcii. In magazinele duty-free din marile aeroporturi internationale cu siguranta nu exista prin rafturi seminte de bostan sau floarea-soarelui, vodca la cutie sau vin de regiune la bidon, motiv pentru care, din cite se pare, viata in marile aeroporturi internationale este una tare plicticoasa.

Cu siguranta, nimeni din micuta gara de destinatie nu se plictisea. Nici macar casierita de la ghiseul de bilete: chiar daca toti pasagerii mergeau cu nasul, duduia croseta. Nici babele adormite cu capetele pe papornitele cu gaini nu se plictiseau, ci visau, in vreme ce gainile le ciuguleau de nas.

Cind ultimul scirtiit de frine inceta, cladirea garii incepu sa vibreze ca la apropierea unei turme de bizoni; zidurile tremurau, geamurile zornaiau, iar animalele cu sau fara stapin se pitisera speriate pe sub banchete: veneau calatorii.

*      *      *

Prin fata privitorilor trecura, astfel, in ordine, ca tot atitea mici uragane, diversi popi, zugravi cu ziua, sculeri-matriteri, un mos cu tricou si desaga discutind aprins cu un fost papusar, citiva calugari de la Schitul Pasarea, un surdomut care se certa cu niste cetateni sa dea muzica mai incet, soldati in permisie, un inginer specialist in pete de vin rosu, domnul Sisoe Postavaru cu mutra bleaga, fost activist, domnul Ieremia Ciusca, acum usurat. Cu totii alergau spre autogara, dovedind inca o data ca orice sfirsit e doar un inceput de drum. Autogara era la putine zeci de metri de gara si semana leit cu aceasta.

Cind primii dintre fostii pasageri ai personalului au ajuns pe peron, au observat in consens ca putinele scaune erau toate ocupate. Pe ele stateau Aurel Septica, Marinica Viezure si membrii familiilor lor, imbracati cu totii pentru bal mascat si mult mai chercheliti. Se pare ca erau acolo de ceva vreme, fiindca barbatii avusesera timp suficient sa-si mai cumpere o naveta de bere si sa-si cirpeasca odraslele, care biziiau mai incolo, pe iarba. Linga copii se afla un cetatean necunoscut, cam ciudat si prazuliu la fata, care nu parea defel de prin partile locului; acesta se strimba la copii, incercind sa-i inveseleasca.

Dupa cinci minute, autobuzele erau ticsite; dintr-unul se auzi un glas pitigaiat, spunind “Viitorul transportului de calatori nu apartine combustibililor fosili, ci electricitatii! Asa am vazut eu la televizor!”; in clipa urmatoare usa se deschise, iar prin ea zbura o baba.

*      *      *

Undeva, departe, pe o planeta dintr-o galaxie indepartata, niste extraterestri chefuiau. Directorul astroportului, Tirdea-96, parea fericit, chiar bause si el cu baietii. Mai pastra pe git urmele unor brate mici si lipicioase, era putin zgiriat pe fata si avea un ochi umflat, dar era fericit, dupa cum am spus. In sala mare, pe o masa antigravitationala, plutea un tort in forma de nava spatiala din ciocolata, cu hublouri de bezea si trape din martipan: scutul energetic si sistemul de propulsie erau scofilcite de parca ar cazut careva cu cotul peste tort…

*      *      *

La putina vreme dupa cele petrecute mai sus, citiva cosmonauti aflati pe o statie orbitala internationala au raportat bazei ca de ei se apropie, plutind haotic si oarecum in zig-zag prin vidul interplanetar, o capsula spatiala ciudata, posibil de provenienta extraterestra. Bratele telescopice cu clesti au fost actionate, iar capsula dusa pe statie, intr-o camera sterila. Primul cercetator, savant cu o bogata experienta capatata in spatiul cosmic, patrunse in camera imbracat intr-un costum special. Se apropie incet de obiectul zburator neidentificat, din care se auzeau zgomote ciudate, si il atinse. Deodata, invelisul acestuia se sparse si din el tisni o faptura. In intreaga statie orbitala si chiar mai departe, in intunericul rece din spatiul intergalactic, rasuna un strigat:

- Taticuleeeee!

Sfirsit

Articol apărut Monday, 8 March 2010 la ora 9:46 am în categoria 5) Mersul Trenurilor - mini-roman feroviar. Puteţi urmări comentariile noi cu RSS 2.0 feed. Puteţi scrie un comentariu, sau puteţi folosi trackback de pe site-ul propriu.

933 comentarii la “Mersul Trenurilor”

1. Ionut a scris:
   12 March 2010 la 3:03 am

   Chiar scrii bine Cip, asta e poveste elaborata, am reusit s-o citesc toata (eu citesc ce scrii tu la servici ), ai imaginatie si chiar ma distram ce povesti spuneau aia in tren, recunosc multe din ele . Da’ auzi, daca ai bagat si extraterestri in poveste, inseamna ca esti si scriitor SF ? Glumesc . Numa’ bine, chiar o fost un tur de forta povestioara asta a ta !

2. Cip a scris:
   13 March 2010 la 9:14 am

   Mai, multumesc de apreciere, esti dragut! Ma bucur ca ti-a placut. Micro-romanul asta (dar, de fapt, nu-i chiar micro – e, oricum, mai mare decit, de pilda, “De ce fierbe copilul in mamaliga?”, al Aglajei Veteranyi) a fost inclus in ultima mea carte, care se cheama tot asa – “Mersul Trenurilor”. Am pornit cu Mersul Trenurilor in serial, in Bomba din Ziarul de Iasi – ca, altfel, nu-i chip sa pot scrie o chestie lunga, inchegata: fiind serial, eram auto-obligat sa-mi storc mintea saptaminal pe tema asta. Am bagat povestioare diferite, cele ale calatorilor, tocmai ca sa nu plictisesc cititorii, facindu-i sa tina minte chestii din episoadele anterioare.
   In toate cartile mele apar macar cinci-zece extraterestri. Pe bune! Si, de fiecare data, bietii de ei ajung pe Terra taman in Romania si exact la naiba in praznic – fiindca sint mai multe sanse sa nimereasca in zona rurala decit in oras mare, nu?

   Chiar, idee: sa mai bag pe blegul asta niste chestii SF! Merci!

   Cu ajutorul lui Dumnezeu, daca toate treburile merg bine si daca domnii de la CNC (Centrul National al Cinematografiei) aproba niste fonduri, s-ar putea ca extraterestrii mei sa ajunga pe ecrane – dar, deocamdata, e in faza de proiect, prefer sa zic mai multe dupa ce se trece de primele hopuri…

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